*Sigh*

It's irritating me that I have not fixed the graphic errors on my blog but I am TOO TIRED to do anything about it. Tomorrow and Wednesday will be snow days so I'll find the time...I promise. And I may even squeeze out a post or two. 

Parts are like underwear.

Writers Block. I've not really experienced it like this before. I seem to start writing a ton of different posts and then go back and delete what I have started because it all sounds so...silly. I would guess that part of this is because I am kinda numb these days and being that I just can't connect my writing turns to shit. One thing I do remember from all my therapy is that when you feel like you don't know what to say, talk about what it would mean to have to something to say or what it would be like to talk.

It would be a lie to say there is nothing going on in my brain because trust me, there is PLENTY. I just don't have any feelings about most of it right now. I do know that I am terribly nervous about having therapy on Tuesday and how I am hoping that with the snow issues we have it could just be cancelled. I have not started my system map for her, but I think that will be kinda stupid to try to do anyway. I haven't done a real system map in a very long time and when I have done them in the past it's usually some sort of art project...it's just easier that way. I feel like having someone ask for a system map is kind of like them asking to see your underwear. It's so private. I don't want to air all that yet because I don't want her to think she knows me because she has a list of names on a paper. That's not who I am. I am ONE person with conflicting feelings, thoughts and experiences and although they may seem different from me they most certainly are not. And besides, I don't know when there would be an appropriate time for someone to ask to see your underwear...so lets not ask to see parts...ok? 

Other stuff going on in my life also feels randomly private for other reasons and like it's not my place to talk about it or I just don't want to go there. So I will invite you guys to give me something to talk about. :-) What would YOU like to see written about here? Any ideas, thoughts or suggestions on this snowed-in Sunday? 

Snowpacalypse

That's RD and she is 5'8"...deep snow. We are definitely snowed in today and it's still falling. I decided upon RD's suggestion that we get snowed in at her house versus mine. I needed a break from the crazyness I call home, so we are down near D.C. and digging out every few hours so that we won't be stuck here forever.

We walked to 7-eleven and had some warm drinks and picked up a few other things. The walk was really beautiful but it was a little nerve wracking seeing all the trees look so heavy with snow. For the rest of the day we've been alternating checking the net for stuff and playing Super Mario on the Wii. I think we may go out a couple more times this evening to take pictures and just to make sure we don't get a nasty case of cabin fever. Goodtimes. 

External Solutions

Last night we all slept. Well most of us inside anyway. Lately there has been a lot of staying up late and waking up too early which sounds like it would suck but folks, it drains the emotional energy right out and therefore we can be numb. I like it that way and so does Tempy. However, the sleeplessness caught up with our body and last night called for an early bed time and we even woke up a little late. Of course this was way too much sleep and recharged our emotional battery right back to full power. This has led to a very ridiculous day already and it's only 1:30pm. I wish I knew what exactly I was feeling or what anyone inside was feeling but it's hard to put a finger on it. Usually I can figure it out by what behaviors I have engaged in or what behaviors I'd like to engage in to relieve the feeling but even that is kinda back and forth. Food has been a major issue today between restricting and giving in which must mean there is some anger and sadness somewhere. Tempy has felt short with Little E which probably means she is feeling frustrated and maybe slightly lonely. There have been some impulses to spend money which usually means there is an emptiness someone is trying to fill up and then a general feeling of "I don't wanna". I think there is a need to isolate today and the angst is really related to needing some serious alone time to think, recharge and possibly contain some stuff. I don't know, but I do know that this needs to let up or it could get ugly. 

Brooke and I were chatting earlier as we were watching Tempy struggle to keep her composure as Little E was pushing every boundary known to man. We were chatting about the significance of the session yesterday with Whatsherface and how Tempy is failing to acknowledge quite a few things about it. She wants it mean nothing, to say it did not bring up anything because that would mean she felt conflicting feelings. She wants to talk about how benign it was to sit there and answer standard questions and not acknowledge how painful it was. You know, we've seen a lot of therapists and we have been able to talk to other therapists even while working with Therapist because it always meant we were coming right back to her office, it never mattered that we had to speak with someone else short term. This is just different. We are not going back to Therapist after some vacation or something. Whatsherface is going to be working with us for awhile and there is no "just get through it" so we can go back to the safety of Therapist's office and speak poorly of the covering PhD. There is no reward for getting through it. This is it. 

I think we are all feeling grief again but the difference between the grief we are feeling now and the grief we have felt up to this point is that now there is regret and guilt mixed in. Tempy often refuses to honest about her behaviors and that makes sense, who really wants to dig deep into things they feel are mistakes. And how can you tell if something really is a mistake? Are the feelings Tempy is experiencing right now actually how she feels or are they depression creeping in or stress jading her view. Who knows? Did we make good choices? Were our choices influenced by our fears and we ran? Is this just a temporary nightmare? 

Looking back, Atlanta was not nearly as bad as we thought it was when we were trying to leave. I admit, there was limited social support there and it was difficult and complicated. But what was there and not here was a sense of independence and separateness. I felt that I was an adult there and I had a life of my own and as annoying and ridiculous as my job was it was something I earned all on my own. I accomplished a lot in a very short time with the company I was with and even though it wasn't a career per se, it was very important to me and I do miss it a lot. The friends we made down there were ok, most were repeats of my past and pretty self-centered but they weren't abusive. I miss being able to go out with them and have a good time, not worried about the child at home. I miss Piedmont Park and taking the dogs for their trips out. I miss Starbucks on Monroe and Richards Variety Store. I miss Doodlebugs and Cool Beans coffee shop. Is it ok to be missing this stuff? I know that I don't miss feeling so lonely without my family and friends. I don't miss late nights without accountability. I don't miss the piss poor living situations. I do miss Therapist, dearly, and even the silly drive to her office is kinda worth missing. 

I think the biggest problem I/we have is continuing to look for external solutions to internal problems. Location changes, financial changes, job changes...all to try and get to a place where I feel better. Those huge changes make it easy to forget about feelings for a long time especially when everyone in your life focuses on the change as well. I just can't believe I was so desperate to stop hurting and so afraid that I would lose Therapist that I chose to move back home to avoid it all. I fucked up the most significant relationship in my life so that I could get some relief. Holy crap. How is that for honesty. 

Crap. 

Post-Therapy, 1st Session

Hmmmmmph. So the first session went generally just as I had expected, a lot of signing paperwork and her asking a lot of boring questions about symptoms and diagnosis. There wasn't a lot of room for side comments or explanations and I tried to be to the point when answering questions. I walked away feeling neither positive or negative, only that this was not Therapist's office and it didn't feel right. I didn't have any feelings toward Whatsherface that said it wasn't workable or that I didn't want to be there; it was more that I just felt strange and I missed Therapist. I tried not to be terribly sarcastic or too direct because she is a "nice" person. You know, one of those overly respectful and gentle "nice" people. I didn't hate her, I didn't love her...it was all business. 

Here is one weird thing though...I had Little E and RD in the waiting room while I went into session and Whatsherface said hello to Little E and brought out a toybox for him. This crazy square thing on wheels that was full of toys. Um. She isn't a child psychologist so I am wondering why she has a bunch of puppets in her office. RD of course ran with this, making fun of me for a good portion of the evening and had this happened to anyone else I'd probably join in on the fun. BUT it's my new therapist that has puppets and sidewalk chalk in her adult practice and I am uncomfortable. In some strange way I think I am afraid of what that means, like she is open to younger parts and interacting with them. I remember only one thing about the time I worked with Whatsherface previously, younger parts ADORED her. This makes me sick...terribly nauseous. While working with Therapist is was easier to keep young parts in check because she isn't the most child-friendly Therapist and I don't mean that in a negative way. Her office was never set up for anything other than adults and that was comforting to me. Therapist does have a deep maternal side to her personality but it wasn't easily tapped into and when she spoke with younger parts she spoke with the same language and same tone she spoke with adults, it wasn't all that inviting to a lot of younger parts. Of course there were a lot of kid parts that did attach to Therapist but it was easier to keep some of the most fractured kid parts inside and not in therapy due to this non kid-friendly environment. I preferred it to be that way.

Therapist and I had kind of settled into something where I was able to avoid a lot of parts interacting in therapy for a long time, as long as I was doing work and not getting all crisis-y we didn't have to talk about having "more of me" in therapy. I didn't have a lot of parts pressuring me to come out and I was perfectly ok with that. Obviously it's not a long term solution to my uncomfortable-ness but I don't know that I am ready for a really big shift for parts. When I entered Whatsherface's office and settled into the space and had talked with her for a few minutes I felt parts pushing, hard, to get out and speak as well as the younger parts that remembered her. I felt a bit out of control inside and it was difficult to reign them in, reminding them to tread lightly since we don't know her well. And yes, I did feel the harsh reality set in that Therapist and I really aren't working together anymore. I really have chosen to do the rest of the work with someone or several other 'someones' and jeesh it really hurt. I felt a part inside weeping over the devastation of what I have done to his connection with Therapist...I felt bad for the first time that I had caused someone inside of me such pain. 

Whatsherface picked up on my distraction but I offered nothing of the chaos that was fuming in my head. I simply said it was "a little busy" inside. I don't think she bought it but she let it go which is all I can ask for at this point. A lot of stuff was activated, but all I can focus on are those damn puppets. I asked her if she wanted me to do anything between this session and next week, anything that could help her get to know me and all she came up with was an updated system map. Um, ok. 

That's all for now I guess. I am going to bed EARLY tonight...it's been a long couple of days.