I am ready for something to break 

For the past five years I have worked at the same organization in some capacity or another.  I have reached the highest position that my program has to offer.  These years have afforded me great flexibility, incredible learning experiences and I have built amazing community relationships that are lasting and important to the work we are doing.  I have some of the most supportive bosses I have ever had and they believe in me, trust me and give me every opportunity that I want and need to get better at my job.  I am the master of my domain. 

But last night, I hated it.  I hated the responsibility on my shoulders and I felt tired of being the person that has to make decisions that could save a life or end one.  I resented the client that I was supposed to be helping.  For the past five years I have been perfecting my skill set in evidence-based suicide prevention and I felt empty and angry when I was once again supposed to decide whether to allow someone space or send the police to their location.  This weight on me is hurting my heart and I do not know how to get outside of this box.  I want to help people, I want to work where I am, I want the salary that I have. What I do not want is this oppressive dark cloud hanging over me.  I do not want to fear the sound of a gun shot on the other end of the phone and I do not want one more phonecall letting me know someone took their life despite my team's best effort. 

Each time I am faced with a difficult decision regarding a client and their suicide intent, I stand back in that room with my father and I imagine the client I am working with standing there.  I ask myself how much I trust them with the firearm.  Almost always, I do trust them but I can't keep going back to that room.  I believe that I am very good at what I do, but I hate that the reason I am good is because of the trauma I experienced in the past makes me hyper vigilant and intensely aware of others intentions. I wish the reason I was good was because of my education, not my own experiences with trauma, pain and abuse.  

I am ready for something to break and give me the nudge I need to go.  I want to work somewhere that it is not normal to discuss suicide methods and their lethality on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. 




A bookmark for my new chapter

Hello to my old friends and to hopefully some new friends.  I have reopened my blog and I am starting clean. I had a very difficult time finding my voice after leaving Mercy. My words were there, but the motivation and drive to speak were lacking.  It has been over five years now and I want to bring my voice back.  

I am a different person from the Tempy who blogged with dedication, passion, fury and loss.  I often felt that putting words into this tiny black box was the only relief I felt.  Looking at the traffic on my posts let me feel others presence in a time where I felt so isolated and empty.  Counter hits filled me up again.  

So who am I today? Well, I have held the same job for several years now. I have not been in therapy for about three years and I am a full-time student.  For the first time, I am building a solid foundation for the rest of my life. I do not self-harm, I am not eating disordered, and I most often do not carry suicide ideation around like a security blanket...although I think that is the hardest to let go of. I have found the world outside of therapy can be a positive and hopeful place. Living in the world with the rest of the population often feels good. Normalcy is not a cause for anxiety anymore. 

That being said, I will not pretend that I have found the holy grail of trauma recovery and that dissociation and dysfunction are boxed up like old college textbooks in the back of my closet.  I have a lot of unresolved and ugly parts of my brain that still muck up even the simplest of interactions. There are still plenty of times during the week that I do not exactly know how something came about.  Conversations occur outside of my awareness, but usually only with safe people. It is managable. 

There is still something missing though.  Still so much left unprocessed and unsaid.  Maybe some of it will never leave my mind and make sense to others.  I am not sure if I am ok with that yet, but I am trying to be. What I will never be satisfied with is the way things unfolded regarding the trauma treatment I received. When I say treatment, I do not mean individual therapy with Therapist. I mean the hospitals, groups, pharmacological and crisis treatment.  Being immersed in that world and seeing just how falable it actually is has provided me with far more insight into the therapy world than I bargained for.  I truly despise the culture that the inpatient treatment world disseminates.  The intervention of using a theraputic relationship for behavior modication still sickens me. And the over-reliance on anti-anxiety medications to numb the anxiety and intrusive memories.

One day though, maybe I will get some closure to what all happened. Maybe one day I'll know what happened for those 5 years. For now, just another bookmark.