I work in a place that helps people cope in crisis. I am on TV regularly talking about the impact of suicide and loss. I present a lot of community education pieces on how to help others in crisis. Crisis theory is pretty much what I live and breathe. Yet, here I am, in total chaos and crisis and not a single person in my life either knows, or even comes close to getting it.
When I stir up the self-created chaos, I like to go big. Go big or go home right? So, over the past 7 weeks I have been promoted to a program director position, which is as high as you can go in this program. I have gone through a organizational acquisition. I've started my fall semester at school. I moved out of Gabby's home and into my new apartment. Then I adopted two kittens. Oh, and I started a romantic relationship.
Yeah. Every single area of my life is in crisis. Just like crisis theory tells us, any change can create crisis and that could be positive crisis, or negative crisis...or just plain chaos. The timeline on this is early August. And just like crisis theory also tells us, this has a shelf-life of about 4-6 weeks. So, that means I am on the upswing where I am finally beginning to have some feelings about the beginning part of the crisis curve, despite having newer crises added along the way. I project having a solid 8 more weeks of complete emotional chaos until it peters off.
All of this is completely dumb. So very dumb. On the one hand I am super glad to spray chaos all at once instead of having a whole dumb year of more dumb. The other, more logical and rational part of my brain wants to know what the hell I was smoking when I devised this crazytastic plan. Moving out of Gabby's house was supposed to be the best thing for me, and more importantly for her. She could have her life free from my drama and intensity. She could resume her normal, happy married life and not have to give a shit about me. Once I told her I was leaving, she immediately supported the move but constantly told me that she didn't want it to "be this way". I am not sure what that meant, but considering that she helped me plan my move and helped to pay for a few things, I assumed it meant that she was satisfied. This all began back in June. So I found my apartment, and eventually got here last week. Amidst all this chaos, I also had really bad dental surgery and I was unable to move when I signed my lease, but I'm here now.
Gabby immediately disliked my apartment, and suddenly revealed that she really did not want me to leave. She wanted me to come home. She tossed out the idea of not moving in the first place and just getting out of the lease. She told me that she supported me, etc. Then I moved, and she told me things would not change, she would have time for me, and that she wanted to be super supportive. For the past week I have done what I needed to go to keep everything locked up so I could function and work super long hours. Of course, today is the first day I have had substantial time to think. And obviously, thinking is not good when you are coming up the crisis curve. Everything feels intolerable. It feels like Gabby really does not care. For instance, after she went to a presentation with me this morning, she came back to my apartment. I had asked her earlier in the week if she wanted to come over and so schoolwork at my place (she just started her graduate program). I told her I had not been able to get any course work done and it would be nice for the both of us to study hard and get things done.
She did not get the memo that I needed to work too. So, the entire time she was here I was not able to do anything other than help her with schoolwork. Not that I really minded, I just thought that maybe she would be more sensitive to the fact that I needed her to process some feelings, and I hoped she would save some time for me that wasn't totally about her schoolwork or her being busy doing other things while I talked. She did not pick up on that, so i told her directly what I was experiencing. She missed that emotional invitation and pretty much did everything exactly in a way to compound my belief that she does not really care, that I am irrelevant, and I am only good for helping her with schoolwork or doing something that needs to get done.
It hurts. It makes me angry that I feel hurt. It makes me so angry that I HAVE to beat myself up for hours for even considering for a moment that I actually mattered.
And like clockwork, I tell her how I feel and I am "overreacting" and she is "trying" and if I want to talk tomorrow, I should let her know.
There was never a moment in which she stopped, refocused and asked me what I needed. She just passively accepted everything I said and then went to bed as if it was no big deal, and it does not matter that I feel really hurt and angry and immensely alone. She is happy, in her bed, being super cared about by her family and I sit here.
I've spent my entire life being accommodating, and invisible. I am so desperate for love and care that I stretch myself beyond my limits for accommodation and I put myself in the position of being hurt. Well done Tempy. Well done sucking at life at least 95% of the time. One day none of this will matter. One day I will slip all the way into invisibility and it will not matter. One day, I will be a "was". I am at peace with that.