This post has been a very long time coming. So much has happened in a year and I am not the person who I was when I last blogged. I can't really think of one thing that has not changed since I was last here.
Instead of sharing all the things I have been through, I decided it would be better if I just shared where I am now. I now have a full staff level (salaried) position at the Crisis Intervention Center I was volunteering at. I managed a large team of Crisis Counselors and my main focus is on developing, implementing and managing programs to support and retain counselors in a very stressful position. Sounds like fun times? It's not really. I'n underpaid and overworked but in reality, who in non-profit isn't? It's a great resume booster, I'm confident in it and I get a ton of clinical experience. So that is surface level.
I moved out of my brothers and into my friends home about an hour away. She is married with two kids and practically a farm, but it is really good for me. They accepted me into their home and I am now a part of their family. It's like having parents and siblings in a really functional family, totally foreign but really good. She needs a name though because she will mentioned a lot. We shall call her Gabby. I trained Gabby as a counselor at the CIC last winter and we became friends over the summer. She is an amazing person, with an amazing heart and I truly know what it's like to feel loved unconditionally. Her husband is the kindest and most patient man I have ever met. He makes me feel welcome and safe. Her kids are young, elementary school aged and most of the time we get along well. We have a ton of animals and there is plenty of pet therapy.
I started therapy again, with someone not affiliated with any former treatment providers. It was really hard to find someone that was not from before, that had no ties to my past and no ties to my job. She is a really kind woman and we are moving very slowly. Snails pace. More on that another time.
With Gabby's help I was able to buy a car to get around again and I am SO lucky. It's a cute and nice car, nicer than I have had in a LONG time and I love it. Having the indepenence has been really important and has opened a lot of doors for me.
So, what was the catalyst for this? Unfortunately one giant dose of what reality really was for me. I had been so dissociative post Mercy and had no understanding of what was going on outside of my awareness. I found out that I was involved in some really scary stuff and confided in Gabby. She waitied it out with me for awhile, knowing that bad things were happening and having a really hard time sitting in that. Eventually it got to a point where she couldn't let me continue to be harmed and she asked me to come home with her, I haven't left. Things there are really good most of the time, the rest of the time I spend beating myself up for not knowing how to behave in a family. The summary of that is really that it's very difficult to break ties froms people who are a.) INSANE and b.) not ready to give up on harming you.
I don't have a computer anymore so it's really hard to get online to blog (outside of work). I'm not sure what this blog will look like moving forward, but I am excited about it.
One day I woke up and life was far more complicated and intricate than I had ever thought it could be. The tough stuff was really tough, the happy stuff was the happiest and then I wondered how long it would take to undue it all. I remain stuck in that. Unsure, ambivalent, motionless and pressured. One day I realized that people can hurt you no matter how much screening and evaluating you do. No matter how much you try to protect your heart, it still might get hurt, badly. Then, and only then are you truly awake.
There is a quietness that has taken over me. It's not really an internal quiet as much as it has settled over my mouth and my heart like duct tape. My experiences exist only inside and that is a new thing for me. For so long I have been able to share every second of my day with anyone that is willing to listen but now, nothing but silence. There have been many appropriate and sometimes useful times when sharing more of me could have been helpful to a situation or even to someone else and I just don't have it in me to do it. I've recreated my life, and not one moment of it includes my past or my problems. It's like this fake life where I am only successful, well-liked and the poster child for stability. Anyone that has read this blog for any length of time will know that none of those are characteristics that anyone would likely use to describe me, but in this new life I am constantly praised for my stability, level head and calm nature.
What? The? Hell ?
I am so afraid to share myself for fear of last year happening all over again. It seems my mouth is the one constant in every failure in my life. I don't share the tough stuff, I don't acknowledge the bad things and I fill every second of my day with something that has nothing to do with me.
Am I happy?
No. I feel like it's all one big lie. My fake life is wonderful though. So many great people, new friendships, a social life, etc. All really great people. What if they find out about me though? What if the bad things come back? What if the fear that I am expressing right now isn't illogical? I just don't get how this all came to be. I don't know myself anymore.
There isn't anything bad happening. I am not a wreck. I am completely safe. I have so much happiness and joy. But it's not balanced. Nothing is in harmony. The other shoe isn't going to drop, I'll put money that it explodes. And I don't even dare want to make that change. Ignorance can be bliss.