Last night we all slept. Well most of us inside anyway. Lately there has been a lot of staying up late and waking up too early which sounds like it would suck but folks, it drains the emotional energy right out and therefore we can be numb. I like it that way and so does Tempy. However, the sleeplessness caught up with our body and last night called for an early bed time and we even woke up a little late. Of course this was way too much sleep and recharged our emotional battery right back to full power. This has led to a very ridiculous day already and it's only 1:30pm. I wish I knew what exactly I was feeling or what anyone inside was feeling but it's hard to put a finger on it. Usually I can figure it out by what behaviors I have engaged in or what behaviors I'd like to engage in to relieve the feeling but even that is kinda back and forth. Food has been a major issue today between restricting and giving in which must mean there is some anger and sadness somewhere. Tempy has felt short with Little E which probably means she is feeling frustrated and maybe slightly lonely. There have been some impulses to spend money which usually means there is an emptiness someone is trying to fill up and then a general feeling of "I don't wanna". I think there is a need to isolate today and the angst is really related to needing some serious alone time to think, recharge and possibly contain some stuff. I don't know, but I do know that this needs to let up or it could get ugly.
Brooke and I were chatting earlier as we were watching Tempy struggle to keep her composure as Little E was pushing every boundary known to man. We were chatting about the significance of the session yesterday with Whatsherface and how Tempy is failing to acknowledge quite a few things about it. She wants it mean nothing, to say it did not bring up anything because that would mean she felt conflicting feelings. She wants to talk about how benign it was to sit there and answer standard questions and not acknowledge how painful it was. You know, we've seen a lot of therapists and we have been able to talk to other therapists even while working with Therapist because it always meant we were coming right back to her office, it never mattered that we had to speak with someone else short term. This is just different. We are not going back to Therapist after some vacation or something. Whatsherface is going to be working with us for awhile and there is no "just get through it" so we can go back to the safety of Therapist's office and speak poorly of the covering PhD. There is no reward for getting through it. This is it.
I think we are all feeling grief again but the difference between the grief we are feeling now and the grief we have felt up to this point is that now there is regret and guilt mixed in. Tempy often refuses to honest about her behaviors and that makes sense, who really wants to dig deep into things they feel are mistakes. And how can you tell if something really is a mistake? Are the feelings Tempy is experiencing right now actually how she feels or are they depression creeping in or stress jading her view. Who knows? Did we make good choices? Were our choices influenced by our fears and we ran? Is this just a temporary nightmare?
Looking back, Atlanta was not nearly as bad as we thought it was when we were trying to leave. I admit, there was limited social support there and it was difficult and complicated. But what was there and not here was a sense of independence and separateness. I felt that I was an adult there and I had a life of my own and as annoying and ridiculous as my job was it was something I earned all on my own. I accomplished a lot in a very short time with the company I was with and even though it wasn't a career per se, it was very important to me and I do miss it a lot. The friends we made down there were ok, most were repeats of my past and pretty self-centered but they weren't abusive. I miss being able to go out with them and have a good time, not worried about the child at home. I miss Piedmont Park and taking the dogs for their trips out. I miss Starbucks on Monroe and Richards Variety Store. I miss Doodlebugs and Cool Beans coffee shop. Is it ok to be missing this stuff? I know that I don't miss feeling so lonely without my family and friends. I don't miss late nights without accountability. I don't miss the piss poor living situations. I do miss Therapist, dearly, and even the silly drive to her office is kinda worth missing.
I think the biggest problem I/we have is continuing to look for external solutions to internal problems. Location changes, financial changes, job changes...all to try and get to a place where I feel better. Those huge changes make it easy to forget about feelings for a long time especially when everyone in your life focuses on the change as well. I just can't believe I was so desperate to stop hurting and so afraid that I would lose Therapist that I chose to move back home to avoid it all. I fucked up the most significant relationship in my life so that I could get some relief. Holy crap. How is that for honesty.
Crap.