Post-Session 1

I made it through the first session.  It wasn't terrible, but it certainly was not comfortable.  The session was long, and outside of my last crappy therapist, I've never experienced intake as an outpatient, so it seems odd to me to spending so much time at first.  She seems to know what she is doing and she seems pretty nice, so I am open to going back, it just didn't feel quite right.  

She asked a lot of questions and I emotionally vomitted as per the usual. It felt strange to not care so much about what I said this time around. She can't hurt me any worse I don't think.  There is somewhat of a system meltdown currently, not sure Gabby is able to deal with any of it either...she had a long day.  We fought earlier so I am pretty certain she just wants me to go away and she'll deal another time.  Today, it just felt weird and that's all I can say about that. 

My next session is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.  Later. 


Let's go back to the start....pre-session number 1

In an effort to go back to the roots of this blog, I am going to attempt to track my therapy from beginning to end, which in the past was the most helpful for people who were reading what I had to say.

Yesterday I made the decision to re-enter therapy in hopes that once again, things could be different.  I called someone that Therapist (Yes! She is still in my life and she is still just as awesome.) had found through her old connections up here in DC and I called. And she actually called back pretty quickly. She apparently is pretty highly recommended and she seems nice enough.  

My first appointment with her is tomorrow afternoon.  I had hoped that Gabby could go with me, but she has meetings to go to and doesn't want to appear to be a bad employee.  It hurts me that she doesn't seem to think it's all that important and she also said that if I had scheduled it for next week, she could have gone.  I would like to officially call bullshit, because I already know that it did not matter if it was this week or next, she doesn't really care and just wants someone else to deal with me since she is so tired of it. She can take off work for her own therapy, dentist appointments, a day trip with the family to the aquarium, but taking off a couple of hours to attend a therapy session is apparently asking the world of her.  Clearly I am not over her brushing this off.  Sorry (not sorry) for my sarcasm. 

So anyway, this therapist lady seems nice enough, but I don't have any hope that this will actually be helpful. In fact, I am fairly certain it will just cause more drama and more chaos in my life that I have no room for.  I do not want to be in the therapy world anymore.  I hate being a "patient". I am just feeling really crappy today. 


The ending of a therapy're doing it wrong. 

I return to my blog again, not because I have anything exciting to share but because it is the one place where I know my voice will be heard for what it is, instead of what it is not.  What do I mean by that?  Well, there are many people in my life that truly do not understand what they are doing to me, and I do not understand why I continue to perpetuate the cycle with inaction.  I think the problem is exhaustion, disconnection and the almost never ending waves of trauma.  I feel hopeless and helpless.  All I can do is keep on keeping on.  

From the outside, things are great.  I have a very stable job in the director level, I am going to school full-time despite my not wanting to go at all, I am living in a family and they love me.  The reality couldn't be farther from the truth.  At work, I hate it.  I am resentful of my coworkers and wish that I did not have to be there.  I dislike my boss and I do not feel that the work we do is actually beneficial to the community at all.  At school, I am barely getting by.  I do just fine writing papers, doing research, or taking quizzes with my book in front of me but if you put me in front of an exam, I will fail every time.  At home, I feel like I am not wanted and that the only reason I have a place to live is because they feel bad for me.  I fight ALL THE TIME with Gabby.  She resents me deeply for what she feels I have taken from her, but the biggest problem with that is that I never asked her for a single thing.  I know she loves me, but she definitely does not like me.  In fact, I think most of the time she dreads me ever being around.  I have not been home a single night this week, and I honestly do not think she cares. 

The therapist I had been working with ended our relationship over email. No, I'm not kidding. Here is the actual email:


"Thank you for clarifying and letting me know about therapy.  I have taken you off my schedule.
At this point, I think you would benefit most from inpatient therapy anyway, and not just weekly therapy;  so that you could get more consistent and frequent support.  If you need help with that, please feel free to let me know.
All the best to you,

I replied: 

This is shocking.  I had No idea <another part> did this.  I'm sorry she said that, and I wish I had known that you'd rather not see me. Thanks anyway.  Really not a great way to end a year of relationship building, but if that's how you roll then I guess it's the way it is. The rest of us don't feel this way, but I'll let them know. 
She replied:
Unfortunately, there are competing desires and goals with all of the personality aspects currently.  It is clear that I will not be able to respond to one without upsetting another, which can result in confusion or anger or feelings such as you describe in your email below.  This is certainly not my intention nor my wish and I want the very best for you.  It is for this reason that I believe a more intensive approach would be in your best interests, so that all of you may have the opportunity to work on your goals and wishes.  All of you have very important points of view.  
At this time, I would suggest contacting Dr. _____, or Dr. J_____, or even the psychiatrist that Anna set up and liked.  I would be willing to contact the psychiatrist to discuss this, if I have a signed release form so that confidentiality issues are addressed.  In case you would like for me to contact the psychiatrist, I am attaching a form which needs to be signed and then FAXed back to my office at 00000000
Best to you,

I replied:

Dear TherapistBH, 

I received a message through <friend's therapist> and Gabby that you are "open to speaking" with me. I am not sure what you meant by that or why that message is being communicated through <friend's therapist>, but it was my understanding that our relationship ended, and it ended over email. So, I guess I am not sure what the message through <friend's therapist> was specifically about. Since the last email, I have respected the fact that you shut the door and were not looking to pursue further clarification over email. 

The past week has been very difficult for me.  Having a year long therapeutic relationship end over two very short emails is confusing, but hurtful, infuriating and detrimental. Being that this was something you seemed to not be interested in doing over a termination session or such, I don't even know what my purpose for email is, other than I feel the need to say that I do not want any further communication regarding me, to go through <friend's therapist>.  After <friend's therapist> shared with Gabby what I had said in my session with you, I asked that there not be any more sharing of information between you two.  To find out that you informed <friend's therapist> of our relationship ending was a betrayal.  I feel really angry with this. To have a second message passed through <friend's therapist> to me, is even more angering. 

 I do not know why you ended our relationship the way you did, and at this point I am not sure an explanation would be helpful.  I know that I have asked multiple times if it was too much, and you continued to reassure me that I wasn't.  If this was to play your hand at getting me into a hospital, very poor strategy as I will not be doing that because I am in school and I am TRYING to do better.  I have respected the fact that you do not have availability in the week to see me more, and I have not called you since October to ask for additional support. If you thought I needed more than you can offer, that could have been at least a face-to-face conversation as you said it would back in October. I have done absolutely everything you have asked and after one tough session, you're done. To say that I am beyond the outpatient level is an incredibly unfair assessment as I have a high level of functioning and I have survived a lot worse.  I thought therapy was the one place I could express how I felt and those feelings would not be interpreted as actions. 

On a side note, I think that <another part> could have handled things better and I wish she had, but I also get that she was scared and she is used to bailing. I wish you had worked with me and her on that instead of just saying "you're right, it's over". Normally I would not put this much effort into an email, but I want you to know that it is very hurtful what has happened, it feels very much like everything I was afraid of has been confirmed, and that you are pushing me onto a psychiatrist that I have met with once.  The referrals you gave me? <dr.> and <dr.> have both worked on my case in the past.<Dr 1> is not taking clients and <Dr 2> is 80 years old. Neither of which are referrals I can actually use. So while you may have covered yourself by sending that in an email, they aren't usable. 

 Gabby has told me multiple times not to send an email about how I really feel because I should do it with logic and reason, but the reality of this situation is that unless I am missing something pretty big, there is no logic or reasoning that I can apply. I do not want to pretend that what has happened is ok, and I truly wished that it had worked out differently.  At this point, I don't feel I need a response from you because it doesn't seem like you have anything to offer.  So that is up to you, respond or don't. Both ways, good luck and if we cross professional paths, we don't know each other. 


She then replied: 


I would like to respond and clarify for you.  Because the email below was not signed this time, and because of all the different emails and wishes from personality aspects, I am not sure who will be reading this email or who wrote the original one below, but I am addressing it to everyone. 

First, I didn’t end the relationship, nor was it over email.  I will not assume that you are aware of what happened, because I no longer know who is communicating what, and to whom, within all your personality aspects.

When you were in my office for the last session, you dissociated profoundly; and one of the others informed me that you were irrevocably “broken” and never coming back.  I was surprised and commented that I did not believe Anna needed to remain “broken.”  Frankly it made me sad for you, and I was also quite sad that our relationship had ended, and so abruptly, as Trisha indicated very strongly to me in the session.  I had been willing to continue.

I discussed with her (I believe it was either Trisha or Nancy) the fact that I believed it did not need to end, and that since you had a therapist (me), there was now someone in your life who would help work through it, and help Anna heal, and that I would like to try to help with that.  However, she told me that was not going to happen, and asked to end the session which we did by mutually trying to put things in place to help you keep practical aspects of your life running well, such as driving, working etc.  I mentioned hospitalization or more intensive treatment again, at that point.

As I hope you know, I got an email unexpectedly from Trisha telling me in no uncertain terms that therapy was ended.  I was still operating under the information I had been given, which was that Anna was “broken and never coming back.” At that time, you were still on my schedule for the following week which would have been last Thursday.  I responded to Trisha and reluctantly removed you from my schedule as per her wishes, with recommendations that I hoped would assist you if you decided you would like to have further care. 
Then I got an email from Nancy expressing hurt and anger and her perception that I had ended therapy.
I don’t know if you yourself received any of my responses.  I indicated that if I honor the wishes and requirements of one of your personality aspects, the emails from them now made it clear to me that no matter what I responded, it was likely to go against what another one wanted.  That would not be clinically effective or fair to you, or frankly to me as I offered what I believe are clinically the best options for your care.

Because of the severity of your dissociation in our last session, and your indication very clearly to me that Anna was never coming back, then the emails with contrary wishes, I do feel that having more intensive therapy would be most effective in helping you manage this situation.  

Your email below only reinforces to me that you are getting caught in the middle of dissociative circumstances which is not good for you nor helpful in your treatment.

I believe we did very good work together, and you are a pleasure to work with.  However, my recommendations still stand.  If as you indicate, they are not options for you, I am happy to provide others. 

All the very best to you,
And finally I replied:
I am so confused at this point.  The way the last session went for me, was not the way you experienced it.  At the end of our session, Tempy did dissociate pretty badly.  She didn't understand what was going on and this was pretty overwhelming.  I expressed to you my fears about her being able to be fixed, and we spoke about the fact that you'd like to see Tempy have the opportunity that other parts had not in the past.  I left with the feeling that at our next session, you would be helping us to put Tempy back together.  I never expressed not wanting to work with you, I wanted to leave because I was very aware that we had gone over time and I felt bad for you and for any clients waiting for you.  I did not want to leave because I didn't want to work with you. I did not feel that everything was completely irreparable, especially since you said you'd be there to help.  I even called Gabby to fill her and ask her to help me out until we could work on Tempy. 
And then she never replied. And that is how life is going. 




New Laptop

I have a laptop now, and I couldn't be more happy. I haven't had one in close to two years and it's made blogging more and more difficult to even contemplate. I am really hoping that having this access will help me to find my voice again.

In therapy, it's hard. At home, it's hard. At work, it's hard. I have no real outlet and things pretty much suck. I am really hoping that I will be able to once again articulate my experience in hopes that I will be able to give it meaning and provide others with the experience of seeing first hand what the therapy experience can really look like. 

These days I see my therapist once a week for an hour and half. I definitely could use more support but she is a really good fit and we're working well together. I am working full-time in a very stressful job and I am starting back to school in a couple of weeks...full-time. My living arrangement is still the same, I live with my BFF and it's...complicated. 

I've reached a strange place where all those traumatic things are finally taking ahold of me. I'm able to see that things happened, and it was all real and it was all bad. Surprise, this has never really made sense to me before. Surprise, I am also in the place where it feels like everything is a lie and I'm all kinds of messed up and I have no idea what to do with that. All of this feels unmanagable, but what other option is there? I HATE being in this place where everything hurts and everything takes too much energy. I hope it lets up, or at the very least I get a break.