Learning New Things

Hey there...

Woke up.

One day.

One day I woke up and life was far more complicated and intricate than I had ever thought it could be. The tough stuff was really tough, the happy stuff was the happiest and then I wondered how long it would take to undue it all. I remain stuck in that. Unsure, ambivalent, motionless and pressured. One day I realized that people can hurt you no matter how much screening and evaluating you do. No matter how much you try to protect your heart, it still might get hurt, badly. Then, and only then are you truly awake.

Enjoy the silence?

There is a quietness that has taken over me. It's not really an internal quiet as much as it has settled over my mouth and my heart like duct tape. My experiences exist only inside and that is a new thing for me. For so long I have been able to share every second of my day with anyone that is willing to listen but now, nothing but silence. There have been many appropriate and sometimes useful times when sharing more of me could have been helpful to a situation or even to someone else and I just don't have it in me to do it. I've recreated my life, and not one moment of it includes my past or my problems. It's like this fake life where I am only successful, well-liked and the poster child for stability. Anyone that has read this blog for any length of time will know that none of those are characteristics that anyone would likely use to describe me, but in this new life I am constantly praised for my stability, level head and calm nature.

What? The? Hell ?

I am so afraid to share myself for fear of last year happening all over again. It seems my mouth is the one constant in every failure in my life. I don't share the tough stuff, I don't acknowledge the bad things and I fill every second of my day with something that has nothing to do with me. 

Am I happy? 

No. I feel like it's all one big lie. My fake life is wonderful though. So many great people, new friendships, a social life, etc. All really great people. What if they find out about me though? What if the bad things come back? What if the fear that I am expressing right now isn't illogical? I just don't get how this all came to be. I don't know myself anymore. 

There isn't anything bad happening. I am not a wreck. I am completely safe. I have so much happiness and joy. But it's not balanced. Nothing is in harmony. The other shoe isn't going to drop, I'll put money that it explodes. And I don't even dare want to make that change. Ignorance can be bliss.