Termination is bull-s#@*
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 02:52PM My sickness is lifting some and I am feeling like I have more energy so I decided this was my first priority. I’ve been thinking a lot about termination lately and wondering why I feel so angry about things. I mean I was the one to leave and all but something still strikes me as frustrating or angering and it must not be in reality. I have to check and recheck my brain and wonder if Therapist really did care about me or if she felt the same ways that I did and when I remember the time spent in our sessions processing the leaving, I remember her tears. So she must have felt it.
Ooooh, I got it!!! I have ALWAYS used Therapist as a guide to my own emotions. When I am unsure how to feel or unsure what the feeling I am having is all about I mirror her and this time I cannot! That is why I am having such a difficult time reality checking what actually happened. I should really write more often. Wow, that was kind of a ‘duuuuh’ moment. This is the first time I am doing something without Therapist as my gauge for reaction, I am capable of having my own emotions in the moment but it is difficult to go back and re-examine the reality later because I have a hard time with distortions creeping in trying to convince me not to have certain feelings. It’s so much easier to try and convince myself that Therapist didn’t share the experience because it’s painful to think she did.
What this all boils down to is that I miss her. A lot. We talked last week for our monthly check in (it’s been a whole month???) and I didn’t get out anything that I needed. I choked up and was angry at myself for not being able to express myself. I was sad and hurt that it felt like she was so far away and I was pissed that I can’t have what I want which is in my opinion not that crazy. I interpreted Therapist’s distance as her having moved on, adjusted to life without me and I felt as though I was just standing still. I was angry. I am doubtful that this is the case but when I heard her voice all I wanted to do was sit safely in her office on my little space on the floor and stare at her shoes wishing I was curled up next to her. But no, I was 600 miles away standing in a frigid backyard watching Little E talk to himself about attics. She was in traffic on her way to work and our lives couldn’t be more far apart than they were in that moment. It was lonely and I still feel the ache in my heart.
Younger parts of me have strong reactions about not saying goodbye to her and Therapist offered something for that although I am not sure what that means exactly, it was vague. I thought about jumping on that but then decided I needed to do some serious thinking about that. Like, was I wanting to allow some sort of process because it meant contact with Therapist or was it really for parts of me to have closure? I need to think about how much uproar that could cause and whether or not that is something I am ready to cope with right now. Also, is there anything else that really needs to be said by her or is this my job to take care and reassure parts of me without her help? Most losses you don’t get a proper goodbye so should I just do what I need to do internally?
Another thing, this whole therapeutic relationship termination stuff is bull shit. There I said it. There is no other relationship like the one that happens between client and therapist and if anyone believes that there is a model for termination they should reconsider their credentials. Each therapy relationship is unique, just like friendships or familial relationships. You cannot quantify it. There are a million and one factors that make each termination different, how the hell do you adjust? For instance, termination with a client of 6 months is totally different than a client of 6 years. It’s different based on the struggles you have overcome and the trials you have been through. Termination is completely different for one client if you saw the same therapist for 11 years but only once every couple of months for a divorce issue than a client that saw the same therapist three times a week for year over the loss of a child. Each one is different. How do you determine what is best after the therapy is over? I think so little time is spent on this topic because most people never terminate properly or just never terminate officially. Why is there even a model? Maybe for the asshole therapists out there that don’t have an ounce of common sense but I think it should be up to the therapist and the client to decide without other professionals being judgmental or the therapist having to worry about what ‘ethics’ should be considered. If they are a good therapist they don’t even have to think about ethics, they use them every day.
Ugh. More later I suppose.
Post Therapy, Termination 
Reader Comments (5)
Agree with everything you wrote Tempy, especially the last part. I'm glad you're finally finding the words for your feelings and your experience even though it is so painful. You and your most recent therapist are both smart and strong. I know you'll figure out what is best for you and all parts. Hang in there.
Wow, I found this post really helpful, and I think you are right. It has to be an individual relationship not a formula. Sounds like you are processing hard - I hope you can work through this helpfully.
I am sorry that this is all difficult for you. The therapy relationship is so intimate and terminating that can be so confusing to many parts of us. I still have huge problems with terminating with my last therapist. Be gentle with yourself. I didn't read that you have a new therapist or not. I've enjoyed reading about your nephew and the parenting you are doing. Just remember to check in with yourself and assess where you are at.
The word itself is ugly and hurtful. It should be more like ... "launching," or "leave-taking."
Yeah....Termination is so difficult on so many different levels. I understand because I have terminated with 2 different therapists in my life. Terminating with one, went ok because I was really able to stay in touch, and we completed on good terms. Terminating with my most recent therapist was devestating.
Sending warm thoughts your way.
Secret Shadows