Halloween night
Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 09:13PM Halloween night, it should bother me if you read “Discussing Dissociation” but I have to admit it’s not. Maybe this is progress or maybe its just that I’d rather really be in the moment and enjoy what I do have versus what I had in the past. I made a conscious effort to really be in myself this evening and pass out candy to all the little trick-or-treaters and also before my nephew left for his candy collection I enjoyed seeing him be excited for the night. I enjoyed drinking sparkling cider with my best friend and talking while commenting on kids costumes. I was inside my present body and ya know what? It wasn’t so bad and I enjoyed it. Should I consider my past experiences not severe enough to cause problems in the present? Should I discount my Halloween fears because this year it was different? The obvious answer is no. I had to sit wondering though about this difference and I have to be honest that it does make me nervous that I am not pacing and flinching and remembering the terrible stuff. Well, I am remembering now but I wasn’t overwhelmed by the kids and I engaged with each one as they came up to get their candy. I looked at their faces and even spoke to the parents walking with them. I allowed myself to be HERE and not in the past where my mother sits like the sadistic vulture she is. I want this to be a pattern, I want her not to steal another moment of my present because she abducted my past and she does not deserve what I have gained.
I don’t know if I can follow through with this 100% of the time but I am adamant that she can only have what I allow her now. I’ve allowed so much time to be wasted on her and what she’s done but I have a choice now and I will CHOOSE to deal with my past as I need to but she cannot continue to steal the good in my life and I would so much rather enjoy being in the present with those that love me instead of sitting in the cellar of memories she left me in. It’s difficult at times obviously because all that stuff is painful and it deserves a voice and time to be healed. It deserves to be cared about and acknowledged but I feel that is different than allowing HER to invade.
I am getting pretty good at not associating her with things or events. I can look at certain things and tell myself that it’s the same item or event to me as it is to everyone else, my mother perverted it and actually made it different so that the present item or event is actually safe BECAUSE it’s different. Halloween to my mother meant a time for extra money because for whatever reason people like to be extra freaky this one day out of the year. For me it meant a very long night with a lot of strangers doing awful things and having to change into dozens of costumes that were not appropriate. It meant my mother could torture me with stories of torture and demons and ghosts and things that would ‘get me’. It meant lacing candy with drugs and the sickness that would ensue. It meant constant hypervigilance because if rape and torture were not enough, let’s wear masks and jump out a lot. Tonight it meant none of that. It meant candy for cute kids and hanging out and pumpkins with candles. It meant laughing and enjoying myself and simply not being harmed in any way. Halloween was never meant for the things my mother did, it was meant for tonight.
This will be quite the challenge as Christmas approaches. But I think I will have a decent handle on this technique by then...reclaiming. Each day is something new…
Reader Comments (4)
I'm glad that you are retrieving holidays and so many areas of your life. I know how challenging this is. You have a lot to be proud of in this process. Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
Young kids can sometimes allow us to be in their space, which is often very very safe. So, I am glad for you!!!
I am so happy for you. What a wonderful choice you were able to grasp and hold for yourself. Every victory will become easier, and with each small step, I pray that you will see "she" deserves none of your present happiness and life, and that you control if you sacrifice it to her or not. Bless you, Tempy.
Tempy,
This makes me want to write a post on this. You are an inspiration. Thank you for claiming your life thank you for being the example of how to share this strength out loud without the codepence of guilt for having it soooo good. I do feel guilty for how good I have it and because of that I edit. I edit my thankful heart and I edit the healing I could have on the other side by telling the truth because my truth as yours has two sides. Thank you for telling the truth. xoxo