Lemme just say it.
Feb 17, 2010 at 7:20 PM There is an issue on the web that I feel I need to bring up, although this could get me into something I am not really wanting to deal with...but I never said I didn't have a big mouth. There has been a lot of attention recently (obviously) on the diagnosis of DID in all social media formats. We have TV shows, movie remakes, trauma therapist blogs, youtube, etc. All of them provide access and light to DID and dissociative disorders in general. This in itself is not a bad thing, in fact I am happy that more people are talking about it and trying to reduce the stigma attached. Really though, it is a very complex disorder and it really does sound insane sometimes, even to those that have it. Does every person in the world need even a vague understanding of it? Not really because it's not that common. Here is what concerns me, I have noticed a trend of people via support forums, blogs and twitter that are trying VERY hard to get professionals to diagnose them with the disorder. There are some people that have very little understanding of the disorder and they claim they have it and will stop at nothing to try and convince others on the web that they truly are DID.
Normally I'd say "to each there own" or "well, something is going on for that person if they want it that bad". Here is what I do not understand though, what is the point of all of this? It seems like within the trauma community that DID is the diagnosis that says "YES, your childhood was horrendous and this diagnosis is the proof". What I feel I need to say is that yes, you have to have trauma to have DID but you don't have to have DID because you had trauma. A persons childhood could have been the bottom of the barrel and it does not mean they HAVE to have DID. Having the diagnosis DID does not mean you are automatically in some special club of people with horrendous pasts. There is no membership or scale of 'who had it the worst'. All the energy and effort these people are going through to 'prove' they have DID is a pathology all on it's own and it makes me angry to see it happen. Clinicians aren't going around to slapping that diagnosis all over the place because it can take very serious time to determine that you actually have DID and also, it's a diagnosis that takes a long time to work through and insurance companies aren't too thrilled with that. It's a label that gets stuck and no clinician in there right mind will give you the 300.14 unless they really mean it.
Thinking about all of this brings me back to the days where I had no clue that this was my problem. I thought most of my problems were things everyone experienced. Like I thought it was normal not to remember huge parts of my day (hey my mother never did), or to find stuff in my room I didn't remember buying or end up in places I didn't know how I got to. I thought everyone heard the kind of noise in my head that I did. I knew well enough as an adolescent not to mention hearing any voices but I seriously didn't think anything was all that wrong with me. The only reason I sought therapy after the long therapy relationship that ended when I was 16 was because I was having serious problems sleeping and concentrating in my college courses and no medication was helping. I showed up to a brand new therapist basically saying "Hey, I don't understand why I can't remember my classes or feel like I didn't sleep at night...I assume this has to do with my fathers death but I don't know why." HA. HAAAAA. HAAAAAAAA. She didn't know what was wrong, she assumed it was anxiety or maybe some of that PTSD stuff I briefly mentioned. Three sessions later I was reviewing my sheet in my Human Development class that the lady gave me after each session with my diagnosis codes on it. I noticed she signed twice (once in the wrong place) and that there was a new dxs circled. It was a number I had never seen before so I grabbed the DSM off the shelf and nearly shit myself when I read it. I had to leave my class and freak out on a friend of mine to cope.
I didn't believe it for a LONG time. I thought she was ridiculous and highly underqualified. Then some crazy stuff started happening; frequently. And BOOM, there I was being admitted to a psych hospital. I wanted to die, I didn't want to have the diagnosis, I felt crazy and out of control. I thought people were nuts trying to make me listen to what was inside my head and even more ridiculous for me to talk back to it. The idea of using containment and imagery made me feel even more like a freak. I wanted out. Eight years later I have mastered a lot of those skills, I am familiar with my internal structure even though it is always changing and ya know what? Most days I STILL want out.
I am not sure what the point of all of this is, I guess it's just frustrating how different people see DID and how some people out there use it for attention, for manipulation and for us that are suffering with it...it's hell.
Reader Comments (9)
Thank you!
I've been in denial so many times and tried to convince myself that I WAS one of those people who had just been smart enough and talented enough to convince professionals that I actually did have DID when I really didn't. The question that always got me was "why?" I couldn't answer. I didn't have a good reason for why I would purposely try to manipulate so many people. This isn't fun and the attention that you get really isn't worth all the insanity. I hate that I've been in so many psych wards and that I've lost so many years of my life to this. I'm still losing years. I can't start a family or move on with my career until I deal with all of this.
The attention seekers need to understand what they're asking for! Anyways. Thank you.
Just wanted to say I feel ya and completely agree!
Wow this is brilliant! I am so with this, really helpful to hear 'there is no membership or scale of 'who had it the worst'.' - it is so easy to fall into that trap (the number of times I say to my T 'but it wasn't that bad!') ...
I'm sorry that some people use the label in such a negative way, making it more difficult for people who are suffering with it. That sucks. But I think you are incredibly brave to have worked so hard despite the huge struggle. I have a lot of respect for you.
It's just sad how some people need to jump on certain bandwagons; they need the attention that comes from having something dramatically wrong with them.
I'm not ashamed of my DID but I'm not proud of it either, you know? I don't think it's cool. It doesn't prove I had a worse childhood than those who don't end up multiples.
I used to have a friend who seemed to think of my DID in terms of entertainment for her. When a couple of my funnier parts disappeared for a period of time, she couldn't handle it. I was too boring, or maybe too normal without them.
Weeeeeeeeeeeird. The PS and I were JUST talking about this the other day. How I think so many people out there try to self-diagnose and convince their clinicians to diagnose it. I think you can dissociate for periods of time (including longer periods of time, as with dissociate fugues), experience different "age states" emotionally, and still NOT HAVE DID. I actually stopped visiting a lot of blogs and forums, because I felt less like I was supporting anyone there as much as I was just mollycoddling their desire for attention.
It is frustrating to watch and I would imagine, insulting, to those who actually do have it.
I am surprised by the support around this post. I was worried that it could be taken the wrong way. YAY! It seems it wasn't.
I dunno if anyone actually reads the comments here, but seriously, you guys are awesome! Most of my frustration is stemming from a few blogs that really go out of their way to try and convince the world of their DID. Any insight as to why people do this? Is it really attention seeking? Or what....
Yes, this is frustrating. I try not to let all that bother me too much though. I saw a lot of this on the various survivor message forums. That's why I stopped going there. DID, to some, is seen as a desired goal.
You may like this post and the related ones on this site:
http://emilyfirstgirl.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/looking-for-attention-baby-talk-and-fakers-in-did/
Tempy, I think to some, DID must look like "the cool club" ... or maybe they are genuinely jealous of the support given to those who have it versus "boring old" depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc.? I really don't know. It baffles me ... it sounds like it would such a miserable after-affect to deal with, so why on earth would one seek it out? Lord knows I've got enough of my own issues without trying to make up more!
In response to Paul, I follow that blog and LOVED that post!