Enjoy the silence?
Jan 13, 2012 at 9:14 PM There is a quietness that has taken over me. It's not really an internal quiet as much as it has settled over my mouth and my heart like duct tape. My experiences exist only inside and that is a new thing for me. For so long I have been able to share every second of my day with anyone that is willing to listen but now, nothing but silence. There have been many appropriate and sometimes useful times when sharing more of me could have been helpful to a situation or even to someone else and I just don't have it in me to do it. I've recreated my life, and not one moment of it includes my past or my problems. It's like this fake life where I am only successful, well-liked and the poster child for stability. Anyone that has read this blog for any length of time will know that none of those are characteristics that anyone would likely use to describe me, but in this new life I am constantly praised for my stability, level head and calm nature.
What? The? Hell ?
I am so afraid to share myself for fear of last year happening all over again. It seems my mouth is the one constant in every failure in my life. I don't share the tough stuff, I don't acknowledge the bad things and I fill every second of my day with something that has nothing to do with me.
Am I happy?
No. I feel like it's all one big lie. My fake life is wonderful though. So many great people, new friendships, a social life, etc. All really great people. What if they find out about me though? What if the bad things come back? What if the fear that I am expressing right now isn't illogical? I just don't get how this all came to be. I don't know myself anymore.
There isn't anything bad happening. I am not a wreck. I am completely safe. I have so much happiness and joy. But it's not balanced. Nothing is in harmony. The other shoe isn't going to drop, I'll put money that it explodes. And I don't even dare want to make that change. Ignorance can be bliss.
Reader Comments (3)
The ultimate healthy place is to be able to fully own your past and your struggles, but to be able to live in the healthy, joyful place you're in now. They don't always have to be mutually exclusive. However, this is NOT easy, and it's not something I've been able to work on by myself. It's taken friends and therapy, and I'm for sure still a work in progress. Working on it, also means facing that fear head on of potentially falling back into a hard/scary/overwhelming place that is reminsicent of dark places we've been in our past and would do anything to never have to experience again.
No matter how you feel, the 'you' that you are now is just as authentic as that 'you' I met in 2004 and have known ever since. Remember, there are those of us out there who have loved 'you' no matter who that was, how well you functioned, what decisions you made, etc. Some of us will NEVER abandon you no matter who you are or who you think you are.
P.S. Still waiting on that Face Time! :)
Just had a discussion on these types of issues with the therapist.It's call fear and hiding.You are worried about everyone's feelings and reactions in knowing the truth about Tempy and who Tempy is as a person.In the process Tempy is put at the back of the bus and not at the top of the page.I am with Braveheart getting to know you has been an honor,a privilege.If other cannot see your worth then it's their problem not yours.
So stop worrying about what others think! You know who you are and you are worthy of healing,being loved,being cared for by others, finding joy and happeness.Now the only issue on the table is making Tempy believe these things as truths.
Grace and Peace
Thomas
These past few months have been an unusual time for you. How often in your life have you gone months at a time without BIG issues and/or BIG emotions driving your life. Even when you got the bad out and the good took over, the good was BIG issues and BIG emotions. Do you remember I called that the honeymoon period? I said that eventually the high from feeling so incredibly wonderful would eventually settle slowly down into your everyday life. You know and understand the love of God, trust that he is faithful, and understand that He always answers our prayers, even if sometimes that answer is no. This "quiet" life is a new way of life for you. I went through a similar period where I felt my past had no place in present life. I didn't want the ugliness of the past to touch the happiness I was feeling and I certainly did want the new people in my life to realize the cesspool of abuse and sin I had escaped from. I didn't fear they would turn away from me, but I didn't want them to pity me or to view me differently. What finally made me merge my old and new lives (and I think maybe this will be the case for you) was when I repeatedly found myself in either conversations or growing relationships where my honesty about my past would help another person. What I saw as a garbage dump had become a treasure trove of experience that other, usually younger, people could relate to. Usually they were seeking freedom, and that freedom came through God. Sometimes, though, they just needed to someone to listen who truly understood. Someone who could offer constructive words of advice and consolation. In time, you we feel those quiet bonds that almost feel comfortable right now (at least they did for me...they gave me an early security) begin to loosen. It was a gradual process for me that I didn't even realize was happening until one day I realized that I had become very open with EVERYONE in my life about my past.
I have been so so sick. I have had the flu since November. I'll be in touch soon.
~m