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Saturday
Mar122016

I am ready for something to break 

For the past five years I have worked at the same organization in some capacity or another.  I have reached the highest position that my program has to offer.  These years have afforded me great flexibility, incredible learning experiences and I have built amazing community relationships that are lasting and important to the work we are doing.  I have some of the most supportive bosses I have ever had and they believe in me, trust me and give me every opportunity that I want and need to get better at my job.  I am the master of my domain. 

But last night, I hated it.  I hated the responsibility on my shoulders and I felt tired of being the person that has to make decisions that could save a life or end one.  I resented the client that I was supposed to be helping.  For the past five years I have been perfecting my skill set in evidence-based suicide prevention and I felt empty and angry when I was once again supposed to decide whether to allow someone space or send the police to their location.  This weight on me is hurting my heart and I do not know how to get outside of this box.  I want to help people, I want to work where I am, I want the salary that I have. What I do not want is this oppressive dark cloud hanging over me.  I do not want to fear the sound of a gun shot on the other end of the phone and I do not want one more phonecall letting me know someone took their life despite my team's best effort. 

Each time I am faced with a difficult decision regarding a client and their suicide intent, I stand back in that room with my father and I imagine the client I am working with standing there.  I ask myself how much I trust them with the firearm.  Almost always, I do trust them but I can't keep going back to that room.  I believe that I am very good at what I do, but I hate that the reason I am good is because of the trauma I experienced in the past makes me hyper vigilant and intensely aware of others intentions. I wish the reason I was good was because of my education, not my own experiences with trauma, pain and abuse.  

I am ready for something to break and give me the nudge I need to go.  I want to work somewhere that it is not normal to discuss suicide methods and their lethality on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. 

 

 

Reader Comments (2)

Hi Temps,
Good to hear you are doing well. I want to say so much but don't really know what to write...
Jesus loves you and only He can make all things new and great beyond our wildest of great expectations. A friend who laid down His life for you and me and who sticks closer than anyone... Jesus is not Mercy or any other organization who "speaks for Him". Call on Him dear T, and though I don't know how...He will make Himself real to you.
God bless you, and keep you, and shine his face on you, and be gracious to you, and give you peace dearest T.
March 11, 2017 | Unregistered Commentera friend
Hi Temps,
Good to hear you are doing well. I want to say so much but don't really know what to write...
Jesus loves you and only He can make all things new and great beyond our wildest of great expectations. A friend who laid down His life for you and me and who sticks closer than anyone... Jesus is not Mercy or any other organization who "speaks for Him". Call on Him dear T, and though I don't know how...He will make Himself real to you.
God bless you, and keep you, and shine his face on you, and be gracious to you, and give you peace dearest T.
March 11, 2017 | Unregistered Commentera friend

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