Today is just one of ‘those’ days. I am unsure of why today has turned into one of them but I am assuming that it is a culmination of events. On the one hand I am proud to be sitting here not a total wreck and on the other hand the only reason I am not a wreck is that because I cannot afford to be one. I got out of the hospital yesterday afternoon after an overnight stay for asthma exacerbation. It was one of the more terrifying attacks that I have had, involving an ambulance and a lot of fighting not to be intubated. Fortunately I am fine now, well not fine but I am at home and resting well. It could have been a lot worse I suppose.
My sister, brother in law and little E headed south for a visit with the grandparents on my brother in laws side and at the last minute I found out my sister would be taking a detour to visit my mother with Little E. This stopped me dead in my tracks and shattered me for a bit. I know that my sister would never let Little E be alone with her but the thought of this vile woman in the same room as this little guy turns my stomach a million times over. Here I sit, helpless and knowing he is in a toxic environment. Even though nothing is happening to him I don’t want him to breathe the same air she does. It makes me angry at my sister for being ok to go after knowing what has happened. How can she sit in the same room as my mother, how can she allow her son to be in the same room? It hurts. Why is it that what happened to me isn’t disturbing to my sister enough to stop her from still wanting my mother? It’s days like this that I want nothing more than to be curled up in Therapist’s office and wishing to hold her hand, to look in her eyes and know I am safe with her, that she would kill before allowing me to be hurt. I want to feel her close to me and to know I am ok and that what happened to me wasn’t just a blip in time, it was real and deserves attention and care. I don’t know where Therapist is this very moment but I know it feels farther away than normal.
I wonder how two souls can exist in the same world, two souls that have been sewn together by the past, present and future and belong in the same journey but not have contact often how they function without this weighty sadness all the time. I know that this needed to happen in some ways and in others I sit wondering what the hell I gave up. Don’t get me wrong, I have never been more happy in my life to have my beautiful nephew in my life each day, attached at the hip…or to have my best friend by my side. It’s awesome and I have many moments each day where I am just simply at peace and thankful. On the other hand I sit wondering what I have lost and my heart aches for Therapist’s kind eyes, warmth and safety. I suppose the younger parts of me are desiring this more often than I am and I find it difficult if not impossible to comfort them.
Trying to parent my internal world has proven more difficult than I had bargained for. I suppose I hadn’t realized how much of their weight that Therapist pulled. It seems that parts of me relied simply on her presence for a sense of safety and above of existence. I work my ass off daily to try to give them what they need, exhausting myself each night before submitting to a choppy sleep. I try to involve them in the fun activities that I organize for my nephew each day, I try to help them see that I am trying to hold them, to feel their hands and hear their whispers. I try to honor them and spend more time with them than I ever have but yet it just isn’t enough and I don’t know what will ever fill the hole they feel enough to quiet their cries.
How do you hold the hand of a vulnerable child and tell them that you are there for them when your own body is the one they feel betrayed them? How do you explain that when you left their safe person it wasn’t because you thought they didn’t deserve it but because you thought for the growth of the whole person we had to move on? How do you sit with them as they tell you the horrifying depths of their torture is what keeps them awake at night, and tolerate their fears as they know that you are the only person they have now? It’s hell is what it is. And it’s all I can do for now.
I am scheduled to speak with Therapist this week on Friday and I both anxiously awaiting it and dreading it. I cannot wait to hear her voice yet I am terrified of being unable to keep some of the younger parts of me tucked away. The last thing I want is to scare her or overwhelm her. I am ok when we aren’t talking but as soon as I hear her voice I melt into mush and want to be next to her again.
One day I promise to stop blogging about this.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 at 01:58PM 
