Ch Ch Ch Changes

I have to admit that I had originally thought about my time management before I moved to Maryland and imagined that I would have about the same amount of free time that I used to have while I worked but I was very wrong. I find myself stretching to fit so many things in now that prior to my move I had not considered and often find myself too tired to sit at my computer and think about anything. I actually have a social life these days and I am enjoying my time with friends and family more than I ever have. I am excited for the evenings when I see my best friend or have time with my sister and brother in law. I enjoy immensely the time I spend with the little one and I enjoy quiet time doing just nothing. It seems everything is different and more relaxing and wonderful than I could have imagined. Don’t get me wrong, there is still an enormous struggle internally but I must say that this is the life I wanted so badly to have and thank God I moved to Atlanta so that I could heal and be capable of such a lifestyle.

Here is the struggle though; I have often cared for children full time and find that I am most happy when I am working with them but I have not been nearly as emotionally connected and available as I am right now. My nephew is the most beautiful and wonderful child I have ever met and I did not think it was possible to love a person this much. Everything about him is perfect and just as it should be. He is intelligent, comedic, compassionate, caring, nurturing and above all completely innocent. Little E no real sense of fear because never in his life has there been a moment when someone is not there to catch him fall or calm him when he is upset. He believes he is invincible because no one has ever smacked him or allowed him to be seriously harmed. He is what every child is supposed to be. His actions are curious but never all that cautious and when someone is picking him up he trusts them with everything he should. He has never ‘cried it out’ because when he cries someone responds, he knows boundaries and time outs but is rewarded with high fives and M&M’s with his successes far more than his failures. He has confidence and thinks he should always be the center of attention. He is beautiful. He has absolutely everything that I did not have as a child. Although that saddens me for my child parts it is not what causes the ripples in my brain, what does that is far more sinister and frightening.

I look at Little E and compare myself to him at that age. I create images in my head of myself that small having horrible things happen and it turns my stomach round and round until I feel I need to vomit. He is SO small. I was SO small. I noticed something last week, which bothered me greatly, Little E, was playing and I was needing him to stop playing because he needed a diaper change. Of course he did not want to stop, so I walked over to him and gently touched his hand and asked his permission to pick him up for a diaper change. He looked at me and said it was ok. I watched my sister in a similar situation with him and she was too busy and rushed to notice he really was attached to what he was doing and she just picked him up and of course he threw a massive tantrum. I realized in that moment how powerless he was, how powerless I was. No one acknowledged Little E’s feelings about how important his task was and disregarded his feelings on the matter just as I was unable to protest when I was forced into something. He could not fight because he was so small and it’s not like my sister is a big woman…he was just that little and so was I at one point. I wonder if this is what Therapist had been seeing in her mind for so long…and if it is, wow, that would make me pretty angry with my mother too.

I am unsure of why I am finally seeing what being small truly means or finally beginning to grasp the audacity of my mother’s crimes but it is positive I am sure; it just feels really out of control. I still have yet to make an effort in finding a new therapist which I feel is ok for me right now. I am still licking my wounds from my termination with Therapist and I am making sure I take care of myself, I am just choosing to give myself the time I need to process it. I feel very strongly that I do no want to discuss my termination with anyone currently mostly because I want to take care of parts on my own and not go through a whole process with someone new that requires parts of me to protest them. I also do not want to begin screening out of fear that I will feel that no one is good enough or even comes close to Therapist’s caliber. There is also something in me that feels that I should not go to someone else because I worry Therapist will be hurt by this. Obviously Therapist wants the best for me and wants to make sure I am taken care of, but I imagine it would hurt to know who I was working with when she still misses me. I dunno, it’s a process and I am still working on it.

Life's Blatherings

Well, the little one is finally asleep after his last day at his current child care facility. What a crazy evening we had. I expect the next week or so will be trying as he reacts to his little world changing AGAIN.

I honestly feel settled enough here in my room now that I think some of the feelings that I had in Georgia before I left are beginning to surface again and wow, it’s pretty hurtful.  I cried most of the way on the drive up to Maryland and once here I only had twinges of sadness and assumed it was the natural progression of feeling. I thought the worst was over and that I was on the up and up. I was wrong. On Thursday afternoon I was at a bar with my brother in law and when we got in the car to leave I looked at the clock and it read 5:44pm and I realized if I had been in Georgia the odds were that I would be sitting on the floor in Therapists office. My stomach lurched and I felt a wave of sadness come over me. Since that moment I have had a looming sadness waiting to break through but  it has not found the right time to do it.

I am still trying to grasp what my life looks like without her right here to guide me and honestly it is pretty much the same in some ways. I still make the same choices I’d make if I knew I had to tell her what I was thinking about, I still comfort myself in the same ways and I still think about how or what we’d discuss if I had a problem. What is terribly different is although I don’t need her as much as I used to I still want her. It’s selfish and probably a bit childish but I just miss her because I miss her. Not because I need something but because I just like her as a person. It’s difficult to explain I guess, much like this whole process.

Parts of me are aching inside for her and I can do little to comfort them. I do everything I think I am supposed to not because it’s the right thing but because I feel that is what they need. My heart breaks for the little ones that are so attached to her and I want nothing more than to rescue them from their pain and take them back to her. At the same time I feel they are strong enough and that they will eventually allow me to help them the way that Therapist did. For now we spent some time each day looking at the book Therapist gave to us, the card she wrote and several little things we keep from over the years to remind them that she is still here, just not as close as she normally is.

Our termination was powerful, the energy is still lingering. It was real and it was painful but at the same time it was exciting to be so connected. We did an art project together which in my mind was the only thing to do. I got two puzzle pieces made of wood that connect and we each made one for each other. That way she has a piece of me and I have one of her and they are always connected. It’s like an external representation of my heart that I gave her…

Over the past couple of weeks things have come up and I often think that I wish I could just bounce this off of Therapist or excitedly tell her of some progress that I made. That seems to be the most difficult part. My brother in law informed me that my mother was in a bad car accident recently and that she sustained a serious head injury. I decided today to ask my sister why she didn’t tell me and she had a long story about how my mother pissed her off. I’ll try to make it shorter. My mother and sister occasionally speak but mostly because my brother in law encourages it. Anyway, my mother never returned a phonecall my sister made in July about my nephews birthday until several weeks ago she called to tell my sister she had been in an accident. So my sister talked for a few minutes and heard my mother slurring her words and it seemed off. My mother was complaining about all her head pains and such so my sister had her boss pull some strings at a local University Hospital to get her a bed right away. The way my mother was describing her symptoms made it seem like she had suffered from a stroke during the accident.

Once my mother got to the hospital my sister works at she underwent a ton of tests and was treated by the best Drs in the area. Well, it seems that the only time my mothers voice slurred or she seemed strange was when she spoke of the accident. My sister was so embarrassed that she pulled all these strings and my mother was simply trying to get attention. In my thoughts, I bet it was another part of her responding to the accident and it was more than attention seeking, however my sister was PISSED. So mom was discharged the next day and my sister was not happy. The following day my sister called mom and mom was crying. My sister then told her that the only reason she was crying was because she was alone and she wanted attention (go sister!) and that was that.

Very interesting folks. For me, this whole thing just shed light on how crazy my mother really is. It sorta seems unreal when other people that know my mother admit she is bat-shit crazy. It’s surreal. I’ll need to gnaw on that for a bit before I put any more blog energy into it. I haven’t seen my brother since I’ve gotten back because he is avoiding me but I am sure when he decides to make an appearance that will be dramatic. Goodtimes.

I have begun another entry, less disjointed but it will have to wait until tomorrow.

Little Peek

Yeah, that update that I had promised never happened in a timely fashion. I had a difficult time trying to articulate the experience that I was having terminating from Therapist. It was intense and the amount of feeling I was having over all of it was more than I expected.

I moved to Maryland a week ago and I am living with my brother in law and sister, oh and my adorable nephew who just recently turned two. It’s always interesting let me tell ya! On Monday I will become his full time nanny which is something that I love to do and I am even more happy that it’s my own nephew. I hope to also acquire a part time job for the evenings so I can make as much money as I was making before. In the spring I will begin nursing school to become a pediatric nurse. I am really liking this idea and settling into a new routine.

For moving to my home state I have to admit there were very few hiccups. I am impressed at how smoothly the transition has been although leaving Therapist was probably the most difficult thing I have done in my life. I am sure that will require many blog entries to even begin to touch on how emotionally charged it was. We worked on an awesome art project together and we also exchanged gifts. I doubt I will ever be able to give the experience the words needed to describe it, but it was touching, beautiful and terribly sad. I will say that I have a strong sense of peace though and it proves that the work she and I have done has broken the chain of abandonment that I used to jump to the moment there was a change in a relationship’s status. I am carrying her with me and only feel excitement about sharing my future with her. Of course there is sadness but honestly, the excitement trumps it.

Life here in my house is pretty routine. We do the same things each day around the same time but I am still adjusting to the amount of energy a two year old requires.  I seem to have forgotten that somehow. My nephew adores me and we are buddies for the most part. He adjusted quickly to my presence and has accepted my ‘parental’ role. We’ll see how he does with the transition from day-care to having a nanny.

My brother in law will not be here tomorrow, so I will have more time to update then.

HereTHere

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you guys know that I am still out here, existing. I am moving in like 2 weeks and I feel pretty crazy about the whole ordeal. I have been in bed (literally) since Thursday. Between fighting some knarly upper respitory infection and a dramatic increase in my depression I haven't felt much like blogging. I am still reading though and thank you (especially Viki) for the comments and emails. I'll try again soon for a more substantial update and not one from my iPhone.

If I could

Partial lyrics from a Celine Dion song...seemed to hit a soft spot tonight.

If I could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would

If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes, I would

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
So I could let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could