This sorta fairytale...

      So it's Mother's Day and I usually have a sense of sadness that I don't really have my own mother to celebrate today with. I also usually contemplate the grief I feel over not being a mother (well, I am but my children are not with me) and woe is me, but today I haven't really thought about it in relation to myself. I have called my sister and left her a voicemail to wish her well for the day. I have asked my friends how they celebrated but honestly I am not feeling much...it's just another day...like many others that the world is moving along while I am on another planet. I am drifting in and out of awareness and not minding much else.

    The people across the street have gotten a puppy, a cute little brown boxer that has more energy than I can handle watching. He runs and runs around attached to his leash. He throws himself down and rolls and rolls until he is impossibly tangled and the little girl rescues him each time. It's adorable to watch but how can I possibly sit here and not over-identify with the little guy? What would be an entirely too depressing day without identifying with something like that. A dog on a leash? Perfect fit. I sit here at my desk listening to my iPod playlist titled "Reflective" just for moments like this. I should really consider a second career in 'emo-ism'.

   Therapist has sort of began her 20 day vacation (I think). Aside from our meerkat banter on Friday I haven't heard anything which makes me assume she has began her vacation. I wonder how it is that she doesn't even really tell me the details. She told me in January the exact dates, how am I supposed to remember? She also failed to remind me who my coverage was while she is away...I guess it's the last person that covered me and I don't know her and I wouldn't call her but it would still be nice to know that Therapist put some thought into my coverage and at least had someone on the lookout for me. Strange how things can change so much. Before we moved down here, if she was gone for even a day I had the name and number of the person I was supposed to call in a crisis. Now it's all "I'm gone, good luck, see you when I get back." Now, I know she cares and she won't forget about me or whatever...but seriously? This woman trusts me far too much, especially at a time like this.

  In all seriousness, I am really unsure of the last time that it was this bad for me. I would take a wild guess that it was probably about two years ago...but I don't remember a lot from that time. It's not scary but I guess that should be the first alarm in my head that something is very wrong. A couple of days ago I decided I know what I would do to end my life, and even tested it a little bit to make sure my plan was good just so I could be positive if I wanted that my plan would work. That seems like something that should have me in a empty room with a sign outside that says "Quiet Room" with a Haldol blow dart sticking out of my ass but on some level I am not afraid. I am so depressed that have the 'out' makes me feel a little more safe and not so trapped. If Therapist knew this I am fairly certain two uniformed officers would be knocking on my door at.any.moment. I don't know why, I haven't had a serious attempt in like 6 years.

  My one big suicide deterrent is that I have to go see my family in like a week. They are all expecting me and it is always such a production for me to come see them. I would really hate to hurt their feelings at a time like this. And I guess it makes me really sad to think that if I offed myself while Therapist was on her honeymoon that there would always be some icky connection for her...but honestly? Why do I care? I guess I care about people and it sucks to have feelings about other people. Therapist would love for me to get to a place in which I would want to stick around for myself and not for other people. If I started to be more concerned about doing things for myself I would be dead right now.

  I really wish I did not feel so foggy today, it's like some strange dream I am in...and I really would like to wake up.