Child Alters/Parts

After doing a lot of thinking last night about the child alter/parts speaking or interacting in therapy you could probably guess that there was a bit of internal turmoil. Many of the older and more protective aspects of myself began to worry and tried to predict the future, making it impossible to conceive of the idea that it could be a possibly helpful and therapeutic intervention of sorts. I couldn’t seem to put it to rest enough to sleep and decided on having a hasty internal meeting with the adult parts first and then with some anxious younger parts. Needless to say the adult portion of the meeting was simply a sound off of fears and anxieties and rather pointless, well it wasn’t pointless just more of a dead end.

I don’t like to admit this but I do actually enjoy coming into an internal meeting with a few child parts. For those of you without DID it can be difficult to explain how you can physically remove yourself from the outside world and step into an internal world and how real it can seem. The power of creativity and imagination is endless. The internal space we have set up inside for child alters is much like a playroom with lots of colors, things to climb on and tons of blocks, crayons, play-doh etc. I think when those parts began to create this safe space they took the idea from the Children’s Hospital Playroom I spent a lot of time in as a child. It’s just tweaked to their perfection.

I gathered them up (not all, just the ones that have a little bit of an attention span and weren’t flipping out) and we sat on a colorful mat in the center of the room in a circle. (I am sounding like I am on drugs, I know) It was strange to bit surrounded by them as it’s not something I typically do. There they were, these small children with smiles, nervous movement and an eagerness I wasn’t so keen on. I looked at each one of them, knowing them in a way that you can only know yourself, remembering each one and their story. I felt a deep sadness and connectedness that was troubling.  Each child part of me, separate yet the same was looking back at me, wanting so badly to speak but it was if they understood why I was there and that they needed to offer patience to me as I struggled to get my words together. Their eyes gave me sincere looks of compassion. I was hesitant because usually about this point I just freak out and decide I can’t talk and I disappoint them, but I knew they expected that but were hopeful it would be different. I quickly remembered that these are not normal kids, they are parts of me that have been through the unimaginable, kids with extreme situations in their histories and feelings and thoughts wise beyond their years.

I began with an apology. One that described my sadness and anger at what happened to them, to me and to us. I acknowledged my weakness and gave a voice to my fears of allowing them into my life. I gave the truth and the honesty they deserved from a long time ago. A few younger parts that were not in the circle originally scooted over sitting behind a few others and paid close attention. Some of the more critical younger parts rolled their eyes and picked at their fingers while a few others leaned in to listen more carefully. I continued on telling them how unfair all of this is, and how unfair it is to them that I am not ready for all of what is to come. I explained that while this is a huge step for me that I know fear and anxiety may make it difficult for me to follow through with any plans we may come up with and that I hoped they still had some forgiveness left in them. Some smiled and nodded, others I don’t think understood.

After speaking for several minutes I opened it up to them, allowed them to have their voice and listened as attentively as they had. A few spoke out in anger at my ‘sudden involvement’ and said flat out that they had no reason to trust me. Some others spoke about their fears of my past disappointments and others were already excited at the idea of being allowed to meet Therapist. A couple were still stuck in the past experiences with treatment providers and stuck to their dissociation from Therapist. They all spoke and bantered for quite some time. I waited until there seemed to be a decent break and suggested we talk about boundaries in therapy. The oldest child part in the room immediately spoke up with words that could only make me smile at their intelligence and recognized those same thoughts as ones I’ve had many times:

“You want to tell us about boundaries and stuff because you think you can make us all act like you there. If you want us there then you have to have ALL of us without your rules. You had a chance to go through it, we didn’t. We can figure it out as we are there, we don’t want your rules.”

He was right. My boundaries discussion was my way of trying to control the situation, not for their own good. Hmmph. I stood corrected and acknowledged my infraction. It’s true, if they are going to learn and heal it will be uncomfortable for me to watch them test and dabble in things. I have to be willing to tolerate it and then talk about it without running away in shame. We moved on to discussing how we could introduce parts to Therapist and I heard a lot of feedback on who needed the attention and special care of Therapist. It’s impossible to decide something like that because obviously they all exist because of an extreme dynamic of circumstance. They are all wounded and all need help.  During all the chatter I was overwhelmed by them, so I began to tune out a bit and my eyes settled on a very young part that was sitting behind the circle, kind of perched on ground. She was ‘drawing’ with her finger imaginary pictures on the ground. She was so small and fragile looking and I felt sad. Occasionally she would look up and smile as if she knew what the conversation was about but I didn’t think she really knew. As the child parts began to exhaust the conversation they were moving around each other and rough-housing, a few times she got knocked into but she ignored them. I quietly asked a younger part near me who the little one was, and she rolled her eyes and told me the name. I was surprised because I knew of this part and was always afraid of her, and there she was, small and non-threatening, and I already felt compassion for her. I asked her to come over to sit with me. She seemed terrified so I waited patiently. Eventually we made it over to a more quiet space and we talked. She was eager to meet Therapist but seemed afraid at the same time. I enjoyed talking with her as she was a delightful yet wounded little person.

It is settled that she will be first to enter the therapy room and I feel confident that it will be the right choice for all of us. Its strange to be in this space now, where I am contemplating this exposure and vulnerability, but I am glad that I had this meeting with the younger parts of myself. I feel more in control and more positive and also proud that I told them about my fears. This is not going to be easy and on some level we all need some understanding.

One foot past, one foot present.

It's one of those long nights where my mind is unable to rest and instead of thoughts flowing I find myself speaking in quotes, poems and song lyrics instead. I used to spend a lot of nights just like this and it would eventually lead me into a suicidal madness in which I begged for the mercy of a Haldol injection or something to that effect. I don't really understand why it is that I get like this or why I cannot seem to end it, it just is and the older I get the more I understand that it's just a part of a cycle that my brain feels the need to continue in and it just is what it is.

Tonight I am cycling backwards into a time and space that is extremely unfamiliar yet I remember its smells and sounds like a good friend. I am welcoming the memories yet at the same time fighting to keep them locked up where they collected cobwebs and dust. Therapist tried today to get these images to come from my mouth, to form into words instead of the airy substance I felt circling the room. She encouraged me gently to share with her my experience but I sat there cycling the memory and feeling my body trying to express the words that just would not form. I fought the memory and then I fought her until I was immobilized and trapped in the oh so familiar cycle I normally reserve for these kinds of nights until I stopped myself and congratulated myself on finally having this experience with someone else in the room. I sat there, feeling Therapists presence on the floor near me and felt thankful that I wasn't alone. I savored the moment where my head was so dark and scary, yet she was so close and I let it take over because I knew nothing bad would happen while I was there. I imagine she thought that this was yet another time in which I was just shut down and unable to connect but actually it was one of the most important moments that I can remember.

It wasn't a flashback really, it was more of a memory that I have fought to keep hidden and in that fight I forgot what I was trying to not remember. It was a moment in time that terrified me and something I can recall feeling my body drift away from while it was happening. In the drifting all the feelings and such were disconnected and lost in the flight. It's not my own memory I don't think, possibly another part experienced the feelings and maybe another part felt the physical pain. While I was sitting there on Therapists floor I felt the first stage hit me in which it was just images and then came the fear which progressed into a physical pain, all the while I knew where I was. At that point, I stopped fighting the eventual take over and I let it sweep me into it's disgusting grips because I knew it was ok. I actually knew nothing bad would happen to me there. Again, I have never allowed this to happen which eventually leads to another part busting forward into a complete flashback all because I was too afraid to remember it. I am unsure of how long we sat there, each time I felt myself slipping I could hear Therapist saying something and it allowed me to keep one foot in today and one foot in the past. I am amazed.

Eventually I was wearing down and my internal world became terribly chaotic as this new experience took over. They felt threatened and afraid at what was happening, I mean, it is their job to make sure I don't remember. I lost my grip on it at that point and felt parts moving in and out and trying to erase the present. Other more traumatic memories began to flood me and control was lost but at some point I do remember looking up and seeing the familiar face (or rather outline, I am never really sure what she looks like) of Therapist and I trusted her enough to ask for help. After that, I don't know what happened and right now I really don't care. As awful as remembering is and was I am pleased to know now what it feels like to not be alone in it.

Frustration.

I know this is pretty much a cliche, but just when I think I have it figured out something changes. I really believed that I had the whole DID thing figured out and I was a pro at managing it but today I learned differently. I am fairly decent at mediating between parts and pretty good at figuring out strategies to handle internal chaos however, I learned that once you tap into the really deep stuff it seems a whole new game plan needs to be developed. I am definitely a bit out of my league and I wish I had some experience with this level of coping...but I don't. Feeling like a beginner is not something that is comfortable for me, I doubt it is for anyone. I am frustrated that I don't have the right answers, or the healthy answers, or that I simply cannot will this chaos away. I am embarrassed in front of Therapist each time she works with the part we are currently dealing with and I strongly dislike not being able to communicate what is wrong.

Therapist has tapped into something even deeper than we both could have imagined and it's left me feeling so out of whack. Normally when a part is out and I come forward, afterwards it's an easy bounce-back and I pick up where I left off. This crap is different. It's as though I just get myself back together and then we dive back in. It feels sort of like a rip tide. (Therapist just called to check in)

So the gameplan is that Therapist is going to take a walk and think things over. She said she had a crazy day and needs some chill time to come up with some ideas for me to work on between sessions. She said that this is new territory for her as well and I don't need to feel frustrated by not knowing what to do right now, I need to recognize that this part is a core part that has never been in therapy before...some things aren't going to work like they used to. So I am going to try to be ok with that for tonight.

Poor Coping and Choices

It's been awhile since I've posted, a lot is going on and it seems my brain is either going too fast to comprehend or much slower and distracted than I can handle. I have reached a point in which negative coping mechanisms are not an option or they don't really work, nor do all the healthy ones my treatment providers have taught or suggested to me. So I sit here often like a deer in headlights wishing I had some sort of relief.

Therapy has been a pain in my ass lately. I doubt I can explain what is going on but I will try to give the more brief version. Therapist has been working with an introject (a part that mimics ones abuser/s and acts out a lot of what was done to an abused person) for about a month now. This part has regressed and it's complicated. I know I have written about her but even still I don't know how to explain her. I don't think Therapist could either because this part so rapidly changes back and forth between sounding like a child to a raging teenager and at moments totally calm. Therapist has a hypothesis that this part does this because that is what was necessary to survive with my mother. Makes sense, but doesn't make it any easier. This part disclosed a couple of weeks ago that my mother was making a trip down here, mostly because something happened in my mother's past this time of year and she blames me for making her remember when I was younger. She re-enacts this trauma with me every year as punishment. She is one sick lady, trust me, I know. She is due in town later this week. Therapist has decided that either I have a solid plan that involves another person staying with me to make sure she doesn't hurt me or to be hospitalized.

I have a few problems with both plans, hospitalization I think is self-explanatory. Having someone stay with me brings up a lot of feelings of guilt and neediness. So I am pretty stuck as to what to do and I need to have it figured out by tomorrow afternoon. If I have someone stay with me I am completely inconveniencing them and admitting that I need something. The need is the bigger problem because with a need comes guilt and regret. Sometimes I think I should go inpatient because at least it would be me accepting the consequences of not being able to stand up to my mother and no one else would suffer. Then I think of how my job would be at risk and how much regret financially I'd have. It's so f' ed up. I need to figure it out though.

As for my coping skills not working, hmmph. So frustrating. In the past I'd do all kinds of things to try and make this anxiety and craziness go away but several things are now out of the question. For instance, I cannot self harm because I am in a romantic and physical relationship in which I could not hide cuts or burns. I live with my partner and drinking is out of the question. He is not into it. I cannot just dissociate for the said reason and also because my job is so nuts right now I have to be on top of everything. That leaves my eating disorder. This is also complicated because cooking has become my new hobby and my partner expects it at this point. I LOVE to cook and it relaxes me, but now the food fears are raging so I get caught up in it. I had abstained from my ED for awhile because I have been so sick for well over a month. I decided I HAD to keep from the behaviors so my body could heal, the only problem with being sick, eating and being on steroids is that no matter what your body retains. I haven't been very active and the steroids have made me swell...so I am feeling enormous and I know I have gained quite a bit of weight. I tried to be ok with that but honestly, the past two days have been an ED nightmare and I admit I am welcoming it. The anxiety I have is enough to make me lose my appetite anyway. I also figured since my boss is not taking me seriously about needing some things to change about my schedule I can show him that I do have a problem, because looking at me right now you'd tell me it was fine to lose some weight.

In other therapy related news I had a strange moment last session. Therapist had just brought me back after she was speaking to the introject part and I was all kinds of messed up from that. She was telling me what the other part was talking about which included the part disclosing how she shut down and freaked out when she saw my mothers hands in the flesh. She asked me if that resonated with me and for the first time I felt extremely connected to that moment in which my mother is in front of me. I felt the actual fear and my body began to shake and I had true panic running through me. I knew what that felt like instead of remembering it in the third person. I did NOT like it at all. I assume that this is probably a good thing and means I am becoming less dissociative but seriously, I don't like it.

I was also proud of last session how a part of me stood up to Therapist. Sometimes I think she forgets about how I respond to certain topics or how I interpret things. Basically Therapist was telling this part that she is an adult now and has choices about what happens to her (in relation to my mothers impending visit) and she said "You are an adult, this is your choice" and this part of me interpreted it as "You are doing nothing to prevent it so you must want it" and that part made it very clear why she doesn't have a lot of choices. In trying to get this part to understand the amount of power she has, Therapist thought it a good idea to say "You're and adult, you are 5'3'' and taller than me" which is never ok to compare anything body related to any part of me. That part shot back "Let's NOT compare body sizes" to which Therapist backed the hell off and apologized. Even though the session totally sucked, it was good to know improvements have been made.

I need to go to work, off the clock, to get things done. Toodles.

Plan of Attack

Just spent about 20 minutes on the phone with Therapist. She seems a little dazed by all of this still and her suggestion is interesting. Most of my system is being very resistant to safe place imagery and they are freaking out when it's suggested. So Therapist suggested creating an auditorium where everyone can come in and sit. No imagery, no hypnosis, no containment...just sitting and quiet. She said I could attempt to do some deep breathing exercises but that may be pushing it. She also suggested creating this internal auditorium to mimic the lighting and decor of her office since most parts feel safe there. She said it should be similar to the way that preschools have naptime. No one is actually sleeping and it's more for the benefit of the teacher than the kids :-) So that is the plan.

As for tomorrow, I was asking her what we were going to do with the part that caused the hands on freak out. She suggested finding an internal middle man that can speak for Kathryn so that she isn't fully out and about. This is something I had already contemplated and asked my normal go to parts if they could do, they all declined stating they were not willing to go into a flashback from passive influence just for Kathryn to be in therapy. So Therapist said as a last resort she will have a waiver typed up for me basically saying that she will be allowed to go hands on with me should she need to and that I am taking the risk of her accidentally harming me in the event that she is hands on. She said she'd include a statement about her trying everything else not to get to that point prior to hands on. I agreed I would sign it...but I must say that I worry less about her harming me in a moment like that and more about me harming her. She is strong, but she is a lot smaller than me. I dunno...I hope and pray it never gets to that point again.

So I am off to try the auditorium idea....