Termination Art

There is a conspiracy in my home that is all about never allowing me the time to blog. This must involve a highly intelligent sensor which is programmed to sound an alarm should my feet get anywhere near my computer chair. And God forbid I sit down, a fog horn must go off to alert everyone I may be contemplating touching the keyboard. At least for the moment I am able to sit here. The little one is not feeling well today and is napping so I am really hoping I may get at least another hour of time to myself.

I’ve been asked to share the art project that Therapist and I worked on as part of our termination/closure process. I am happy to share J Although, I will need some time to get around to explaining the meaning. Mostly because I am feeling very protective of it, but I will share eventually.

This is our workspace in her office, smeared with tissues and such This is her finished piece in my room

My process at home looked something like this on a regular basis.

And I never got a finished shot of my piece...but here it is while I was working on it.

Abreaction

(written Friday)

“Abreaction therapy is a form of psychotherapy in which abreaction is used to assist a patient suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder by re-living the experience in a controlled environment.”

And oh my gosh is it ever cathartic! Yesterday I did my first ever abreaction work and honestly I can say that I have never experienced something quite so intense but beautiful in it’s ability to heal. Afterwards I felt a sense of relief that I don’t think I have ever felt, my arms and legs felt loose and my mind was in a state of calm and comfort. Therapist was more amazing than I could have imagined, she was right there with me and held my hand.

Did you hear that ladies and gentlemen? Therapist held my hand!!!!! She held it and it was ok and I am ok. This was a HUGE thing as Therapist and I have the smallest amount of physical contact I can imagine. The most has only ever been a finger touch. (except for when she has gone hands on but it’s not like I really remember that) She held it and rub my hand with her thumb and gently spoke to me and I felt so safe and rescued. Not rescued in a pathological way but for once I felt her there in the depths with me, holding me in my fear and hurt and loved me while I struggled.

I am so thankful that I was able to do my first piece with her. She earned that space in my life and it will always be hers. It is tough experiencing something so healing and knowing that I will be leaving her soon. At the same time, she holds and will always hold the most important part of my journey. More on that another time.

I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish with this post except to encourage everyone. This work can hurt like hell but the moment I had yesterday proved it is ALL worth it.

Dear Trauma Therapist...

Dear Trauma Therapist,

There are some things you may already know and maybe some things you will need to learn, and at the end of the day I am coming to you for guidance, support boundaries and healing…but do you really know what you are getting in to?

You will understand at a very basic level that as a child I had no voice, no power and no control. But do you really ‘get it’ what that means to me today? Can you really understand why I am the way that I am? Probably not, but since I am coming to you for help this is something we will work through together. But maybe it would help if I gave you a little more of a foundation on voices, power and control.

I am still a child somewhere inside, still yearning for attachment yet hating the process. I grew up promising that I wouldn’t allow anyone to love me, or even like me…not even for a second. As we get into this are you willing to fight me for control? Are you able to hold me emotionally again and again even when I act like I don’t need or want you around? Sometimes, you will feel as powerless as I have felt…and I will continue to battle you. I will agree that it never made sense and especially now doesn’t make sense for me to be like all those other people that have harmed me by continuing to harm myself, but I will do it…and it will make you sad, mad or seemingly powerless.

I will harm myself for many reasons; because it makes me numb out to the pain, because I need to feel strong when I am most afraid and sad, because I know you will respond to me like I wasn’t responded to as a child, I will do it because I believe I deserve it and because sometimes it just works better. This is NOT a reflection of you or your ability to help me. This does not mean you need to react hastily just to make it stop. I need boundaries and empathy and a direct conversation about my behaviors. You see, as a kid I had strong feelings about the things happening to me and I hid them. Now they are here, for you to see and back then I needed someone to recognize these feelings and react as if it mattered hugely, please act as if this matters hugely…but not in an angry way.

You will find that I react to you in strong and strange ways about the simplest changes. Moving an appointment time, a new furniture arrangement, a new trinket on your desk and “Oh my gosh, is that a ring on your finger?”. As a kid, things were happening all around me and no one thought I was paying attention. But I was. I learned to be hypervigilant of every object and person around me and determined that change was usually complicated and sometimes deceitful. Every thing that you do matters immensely to me, especially in the beginning. (and especially when I try to convince you that it doesn’t matter and that I am ok) And if we work together for a long time, the changes I experience within me can cause this same reaction. This will probably annoy and frustrate you because you will probably think there are more important things to discuss instead of why I am so bothered by that new item on your desk, sometimes this is an avoidance strategy and sometimes it really does mean something to me, I just can’t figure out what it is yet. Consistency and change can be catastrophic in my little world and the outcome used to mean something huge or scary was taking place. Take a little break and remember that I will need external validation for quite some time. If you have endurance and patience, I’ll get it eventually.

Remember that you know yourself pretty well and assume by your caseload that you must be a trustworthy person. I have nothing to go on but your actions within the therapy room and for a long time that is not very much to go on. I won’t know your friends and your family or even what your other patients think of you. Awards on a wall mean nothing, especially when at home my family always looked normal. I can’t know you outside of these walls, so trust can take a bit longer. I was used to friendly fronts and fake smiles and I trusted a few times that those people would be different. My trust was broken. Sometimes I would know someone for a long time, and then randomly it felt, things changed. It probably won’t seem very fair because you work so hard to make me feel safe and you wish that I could just let go of my walls for a second to see that it can be different. This is where you’ll need to take deep breaths and remember that it really isn’t you that I am fighting. I am fighting the system of beliefs I have constructed from my past and the meaning I have given trust and relationships. I probably like you, but it’s risky and this will take time. Even when you think it’s done, one little ripple in the trust pond can send me back in to ‘alarm mode’ and I will try to protect myself from something that really doesn’t exist anymore…and yes, you’ll need to keep trying.

You’ll need to remember that the thoughts and feelings I have about trust and relationships run as deep as you know the sky to be blue. They are ALL I know and trying something just once, at one time, could risk my life as I knew it. This is obviously not true today, but did you really just expect me to take your word? Sometimes you may think that I am not really going to therapy to get better because I don’t seem like I am trying very hard to change. I’ll ask you to ask yourself why I would even walk through the door again. Some sessions it may be a huge deal for me to sit in a room alone with you, just being there is admitting to myself that I am not in control of things or that something in my past actually happened. You know what? That is HUGE for me.

There is hope though. While I may be very temperamental and somewhat of an emotional land mind, if you stick to being dependably real with me…I will learn to trust you.  I will learn to process and accept mistakes by you, by us and by myself. I will learn to use our relationship as a foundation for healthy connection, I won’t need you as much as I need you right at this very moment, I will learn to make better choices and I will become a more independent person. One day things will begin to settle into place and I will gain confidence in each progressive step I make, and more importantly I will be able to learn from my mistakes and not feel regret or shame over them. I will not appear so small, afraid and insecure. After the rage, manipulation, tears and fighting I will be the person that I was meant to be and you’ll be a part of that process. Trauma therapy isn’t often like traditional therapies and there is a lot of pain, heartache, frustration, etc. Oh, and it’s a whole lot of patience and waiting. I am coming to you for help, to be different than all those people in my past and I probably won’t even know why I showed up in the first place. I will appreciate your honesty, your empathy and compassion and even more than those, your boundaries. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
A Trauma Patient

Tapping

         Have you ever heard of the coping technique Tapping? I didn't think I had until I remembered how much I used to do it while with my foster parents. Just ask Therapist how much I tend to tap my fingers while I am anxious or frustrated...she'll probably tell you how annoying it is. I grew up with a very frightening version of this...my mother used light tapping on my hands and knees during some crazy-ass hypnosis techniques and I used to try and do it to myself so I could escape certain situations. Tapping my knees in any way, shape or form is ASKING for a flashback but when I was placed with my foster parents they recognized this as a trigger and decided to try actual 'tapping' to soothe me. The video on the website linked shows how it is done, and I am NOT a new-age type of person, I generally find it all to be bullcrap but this does work. I never have used the scripts suggested in the tapping video, I have my own "feelings are fluid and I am ok" script. I do hum as suggested and count, both very soothing exercises for me. The video suggests that this is permanent, but trust me...it only lasts a few hours for me.

DISCLAIMER: Obviously I am no professional and do not suggest you run out and try it, especially if you have any trauma related issues around tapping or even slight forms of hypnosis, but it's worth watching and if you feel you wanna try, it's not suggestive or trance like.

     It's really strange that I would come across this today, mostly because of the reaction I had to Therapist today. We decided to talk about my resistance to allowing younger alters/parts in therapy or even wanting to know much about them. It seems so simple to me, they are everything I never want to be ever again, k, thanks, bai. However, we all know that is only part of the story. I disclosed some of the minor infractions I remember from former professionals in which they were doing what they thought I needed, however ended in shame and tears for me. I disclosed that these younger parts make me feel icky and out of control. And I spoke vaguely about my fear of those parts of me talking about things in a way I am not comfortable with. Oh, and I mentioned that I felt like if I knew them and how they are and why they do what they do that I will somehow be responsible for fixing all the problems I have immediately and there will be a no mercy approach to my slip-ups. Maybe that is more detailed then what I actually said, but it's what I was trying to say.

    While discussing my fears I had a strong reaction in my head, one that I found very difficult to verbalize. Can I get a raise of hands from all the people that find their minds move too quickly to even pinpoint what you are thinking when a therapist asks "What's going on inside?" I mean really, I tend to have a mouth that has no sensor on when to shut the hell up, so if I am not talking it's because I have the surround sound of a football stadium at full blast in my head moving faster than a bat outta hell. No, I can't tell ya. Sheesh. Anyway, the reaction I was having was me picturing the possibility of what it would look like for Therapist to really work with a younger part, like for real. I was imagining myself all curled up, speaking in a totally embarrassing child-like way and that part wanting Therapist to be there, and wanting the attention, and craving her patience and empathy. I imagined them asking her to sit closer, not like touching but closer and I freaked the hell out. I literally felt like a major cookie-spilling was about to happen and I suddenly wanted the hell out of that tiny ass room. My whole body felt too tight, like a pair of skinnier than skinny jeans had morphed into the skin on my body and I wanted it off and out and for Therapist to be FAAAAAR away. Those moments are difficult because I don't actually want to be away from her, but I do. The ambivalence is enough to make my head rotate and 'asplode'. (as seen on ICANHAZCHEEZBURGER)

    I couldn't exactly explain this in the eight minutes we had left (thanks Therapist, no pressure) but I have had a little bit of experience with that feeling of wanting to be closer and safer. Did I just say safer? How could being physically closer to anyone be more safe? Oh god, it's the human in me. There are times in our past that I can remember that it seemed somewhat safe to want to be curled up at her feet like a puppy, just in case. In case of what? I have no clue but I think she is kinda like my blankie. I think I can explain while talking about my blankie, it's easier than talking about a person...like her. So um yeah, I have this blankie and it's not the original one any more, it has more additions and such. It started as a sheet from my bed when I was very young, so soft...until I started getting older and it began to wear down...becoming a potential strangle risk. So I had to add new sheets until the first disintegrated. So blankie has grown and changed, become not as soft and worked itself into a perfect blankie. Each night it starts off so fresh and fluffy and oh how I enjoy it. Through the night I keep clinging to it so much that it becomes 3 sheets that are knotted and uncomfortable and I have to wake up, untangle myself and re-fluff...but no matter what, that damn blanket will not leave my bed. I know one night I am going to wake up half strangled and offended but seriously, blankie never means it. (this is becoming hilarious) Often times blankie is too big, especially when it's hot and I want some freaking room in my bed, but again...it's not going anywhere, I will tolerate it being there because its safe although it is a serious risk with cutting off my airway.

   Therapist and therapy is much like my blankie, she changes, we grow, we add and take away. Each time I am pissy and offended but I know she/we never mean it and it's still there...waiting for me...safe and comforting each time. I don't appreciate the risks, but the benefits are too high. I don't know how much she'd appreciate being compared to such an item but in my opinion, it's the highest status in my life. Blankie is no effing joke. (I am ridiculous)

  In all seriousness though, the thought of these younger parts of me being present has a lot of benefits and a ton of risks. All of which I can only gain or lose from by actually trying out. I am terrified but I have been a worthy participant of letting more of me be in therapy recently and this seems like the natural next step. I know that anything that comes from this will not change how Therapist sees me, she knows this exists and will deal with it just like everything else. We talk about it. We've gone through so much and we always figure it out. If she were to read this, I think that would make her smile. It's her famous one liner from many phonecalls and look, it stuck! All the fears I have about this are only in my head, not a reality. The shame. fear and embarrassment are things that I bring to the table, not feelings she puts on me.

  So bringing this full circle, when I was 'tapping' with my foster parents I truly felt vulnerable. I was allowing them to help me out of my constant feeling crisis and was terribly ashamed I couldn't do it alone. I felt closer to them, I was seen and this is very similar to my therapy experience. Strange how those things happen.

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When your mind's made up

You see, you’re just like everyone
When the shit falls all you want to do is run, away
And hide all by yourself
When you’re far from me, there’s nothing else

When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it

There are so many things in life that you cannot change that it can drive you up a wall, it does for me anyway. It's impossible to go back in time, change people's opinions, do something over, force people to listen or try, get people to do what you want, make a situation less hurtful when you are the one being hurt, etc. All you can do is try to change how you react and how you treat yourself in response to it. Easy right?