Ch Ch Ch Changes

I have to admit that I had originally thought about my time management before I moved to Maryland and imagined that I would have about the same amount of free time that I used to have while I worked but I was very wrong. I find myself stretching to fit so many things in now that prior to my move I had not considered and often find myself too tired to sit at my computer and think about anything. I actually have a social life these days and I am enjoying my time with friends and family more than I ever have. I am excited for the evenings when I see my best friend or have time with my sister and brother in law. I enjoy immensely the time I spend with the little one and I enjoy quiet time doing just nothing. It seems everything is different and more relaxing and wonderful than I could have imagined. Don’t get me wrong, there is still an enormous struggle internally but I must say that this is the life I wanted so badly to have and thank God I moved to Atlanta so that I could heal and be capable of such a lifestyle.

Here is the struggle though; I have often cared for children full time and find that I am most happy when I am working with them but I have not been nearly as emotionally connected and available as I am right now. My nephew is the most beautiful and wonderful child I have ever met and I did not think it was possible to love a person this much. Everything about him is perfect and just as it should be. He is intelligent, comedic, compassionate, caring, nurturing and above all completely innocent. Little E no real sense of fear because never in his life has there been a moment when someone is not there to catch him fall or calm him when he is upset. He believes he is invincible because no one has ever smacked him or allowed him to be seriously harmed. He is what every child is supposed to be. His actions are curious but never all that cautious and when someone is picking him up he trusts them with everything he should. He has never ‘cried it out’ because when he cries someone responds, he knows boundaries and time outs but is rewarded with high fives and M&M’s with his successes far more than his failures. He has confidence and thinks he should always be the center of attention. He is beautiful. He has absolutely everything that I did not have as a child. Although that saddens me for my child parts it is not what causes the ripples in my brain, what does that is far more sinister and frightening.

I look at Little E and compare myself to him at that age. I create images in my head of myself that small having horrible things happen and it turns my stomach round and round until I feel I need to vomit. He is SO small. I was SO small. I noticed something last week, which bothered me greatly, Little E, was playing and I was needing him to stop playing because he needed a diaper change. Of course he did not want to stop, so I walked over to him and gently touched his hand and asked his permission to pick him up for a diaper change. He looked at me and said it was ok. I watched my sister in a similar situation with him and she was too busy and rushed to notice he really was attached to what he was doing and she just picked him up and of course he threw a massive tantrum. I realized in that moment how powerless he was, how powerless I was. No one acknowledged Little E’s feelings about how important his task was and disregarded his feelings on the matter just as I was unable to protest when I was forced into something. He could not fight because he was so small and it’s not like my sister is a big woman…he was just that little and so was I at one point. I wonder if this is what Therapist had been seeing in her mind for so long…and if it is, wow, that would make me pretty angry with my mother too.

I am unsure of why I am finally seeing what being small truly means or finally beginning to grasp the audacity of my mother’s crimes but it is positive I am sure; it just feels really out of control. I still have yet to make an effort in finding a new therapist which I feel is ok for me right now. I am still licking my wounds from my termination with Therapist and I am making sure I take care of myself, I am just choosing to give myself the time I need to process it. I feel very strongly that I do no want to discuss my termination with anyone currently mostly because I want to take care of parts on my own and not go through a whole process with someone new that requires parts of me to protest them. I also do not want to begin screening out of fear that I will feel that no one is good enough or even comes close to Therapist’s caliber. There is also something in me that feels that I should not go to someone else because I worry Therapist will be hurt by this. Obviously Therapist wants the best for me and wants to make sure I am taken care of, but I imagine it would hurt to know who I was working with when she still misses me. I dunno, it’s a process and I am still working on it.