Warm Whispers

   I have had a few Body as Art submissions, make sure to keep checking the artwork gallery. I hopefully have a few more coming this weekend to share! Yay!

  It's been a week since I've had contact with Therapist and surprisingly it's gone rather fast. I suppose it's because I am planning for my vacation next week and dreading it at the same time. My focus is elsewhere instead of feeling abandoned or lonely due to Therapists ridiculously long honeymoon. I will see her a couple days after I return from my own vacation (which I planned for while she was away). This morning I got up for work and ended up leaving a little early because the sun was already up, and on my drive in I usually listen to music to occupy my brain so I am less stressed when I walk in the door, but today I had a small epiphany. I am unsure how to process this information or even how much of it is based in reality and how much is based in my wicked ability to detach from Therapist like velcro...but I realized that I am only staying in this state to work with Therapist. Is that a good enough reason? Other people might add that it's good for me to be away from some parts of my family and that I have grown as a person here. I agree, but now after 2 years I am wondering if all this is necessary and if my fear of losing Therapist isn't driving me further into dependency.

  When I become homesick I try and tell myself that this is good for me and that I fit into my life here very well, but the nagging feeling that I am missing something or that I belong somewhere else is mind boggling. I want to live somewhere that people know me, love me, miss me and spend time with me. I don't want to long for the short times I get to spend with them. I want to be somewhere that I am appreciated and not such an outcast. I really and truly don't feel like I belong here. At the same time, my life has involved Therapist for the last seven years. This time, seven years ago, Therapist was only considering working with me...she wasn't sure if she wanted my case and had to get consultation to decide. And here we are, having been through what feels like war with no signs of it stopping in the near future and it's not done yet. I adore her, I depend on her...but she is not my family, she is not my friends and I am missing so much to be here to do this work.

  I hope my trip home reinforces why I moved here, not why I shouldn't be here. Only 3 more days until I find out....

The idea of Home

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

From Garden State

When this movie came out, this was the quote from the previews that had me hooked. It struck home for me because it was around the time that I finally felt like my own apartment was the preferable place to be, not my mothers home. It was a strange realization that I came to, preffering my own bed and couch and routine. It was a loss that I fought not to grieve, I didn't want the idea of home and family to change...but it was. I finally understood why my siblings had left and never looked back and I felt sad for my mother each time I would visit and then choose to leave on the hour and a half trek back home just to avoid staying. I remember the feeling of joy I would have when I would hit the ramp into Baltimore city, seeing the lights of the buildings and feeling at 'home' after the trips late at night from my mothers home. I remember leaving at 11PM so that she would be heading to bed and put up less of a fight and texting her when I reached my apartment. I remember each time turning past the University of Maryland Medical center and thinking how it was strange how familiar it felt to pass it and how this city was mine. I would rush into my apartment, say hello to my kitty and feel like I belonged and then at some point my excitment would turn into dread but that dread was more safe than I felt in my old bedroom, listening to the sounds of crickets churping and highway traffic. I was safe with the city lights and the fire truck sirens passing below, and safer because Therapist was close...under the same city lights and my door was locked.

In some ways I feel like Baltimore is my home...still. Living here in Georgia it goes back and forth. I feel proud when I remember how to get to places in the city, I feel like I have a solid routine and a coming and going I appreciate. But I have yet to settle into a 'home' feeling. The other day I remembered that this time next week I will be in Baltimore and the first thought I had was "FINALLY a place where people know me, a place that I understand and appreciate!! People there love me!" Maybe it's just the space I am in, but honestly, I think this time leaving Baltimore to come here will be harder than it has ever been,

This sorta fairytale...

      So it's Mother's Day and I usually have a sense of sadness that I don't really have my own mother to celebrate today with. I also usually contemplate the grief I feel over not being a mother (well, I am but my children are not with me) and woe is me, but today I haven't really thought about it in relation to myself. I have called my sister and left her a voicemail to wish her well for the day. I have asked my friends how they celebrated but honestly I am not feeling much...it's just another day...like many others that the world is moving along while I am on another planet. I am drifting in and out of awareness and not minding much else.

    The people across the street have gotten a puppy, a cute little brown boxer that has more energy than I can handle watching. He runs and runs around attached to his leash. He throws himself down and rolls and rolls until he is impossibly tangled and the little girl rescues him each time. It's adorable to watch but how can I possibly sit here and not over-identify with the little guy? What would be an entirely too depressing day without identifying with something like that. A dog on a leash? Perfect fit. I sit here at my desk listening to my iPod playlist titled "Reflective" just for moments like this. I should really consider a second career in 'emo-ism'.

   Therapist has sort of began her 20 day vacation (I think). Aside from our meerkat banter on Friday I haven't heard anything which makes me assume she has began her vacation. I wonder how it is that she doesn't even really tell me the details. She told me in January the exact dates, how am I supposed to remember? She also failed to remind me who my coverage was while she is away...I guess it's the last person that covered me and I don't know her and I wouldn't call her but it would still be nice to know that Therapist put some thought into my coverage and at least had someone on the lookout for me. Strange how things can change so much. Before we moved down here, if she was gone for even a day I had the name and number of the person I was supposed to call in a crisis. Now it's all "I'm gone, good luck, see you when I get back." Now, I know she cares and she won't forget about me or whatever...but seriously? This woman trusts me far too much, especially at a time like this.

  In all seriousness, I am really unsure of the last time that it was this bad for me. I would take a wild guess that it was probably about two years ago...but I don't remember a lot from that time. It's not scary but I guess that should be the first alarm in my head that something is very wrong. A couple of days ago I decided I know what I would do to end my life, and even tested it a little bit to make sure my plan was good just so I could be positive if I wanted that my plan would work. That seems like something that should have me in a empty room with a sign outside that says "Quiet Room" with a Haldol blow dart sticking out of my ass but on some level I am not afraid. I am so depressed that have the 'out' makes me feel a little more safe and not so trapped. If Therapist knew this I am fairly certain two uniformed officers would be knocking on my door at.any.moment. I don't know why, I haven't had a serious attempt in like 6 years.

  My one big suicide deterrent is that I have to go see my family in like a week. They are all expecting me and it is always such a production for me to come see them. I would really hate to hurt their feelings at a time like this. And I guess it makes me really sad to think that if I offed myself while Therapist was on her honeymoon that there would always be some icky connection for her...but honestly? Why do I care? I guess I care about people and it sucks to have feelings about other people. Therapist would love for me to get to a place in which I would want to stick around for myself and not for other people. If I started to be more concerned about doing things for myself I would be dead right now.

  I really wish I did not feel so foggy today, it's like some strange dream I am in...and I really would like to wake up.

Blast.

Today has been a strange and awkward day. My lives and self states have all been colliding back and forth leaving me wondering who the heck I actually am. It's been up and down and back and forth and I am just sitting here wondering what the hell is going on. It began with one of my employees being robbed and my locations bank deposit and delivery van keys being stolen. I was the only acting manager and had to step up to the plate even though I felt like I was not the person for the job. It was overwhelming and chaotic and somehow I managed to not freak out and remained in control the entire time. I could feel that my team trusted me to take care of things and I did. One of my employees was kinda shocked that I kept it all going...she was proud. The entire day was spent on legal issues, solving scheduling problems and dealing with some security problems. All was taken care of and I left on time. Strange.

When I got home I made dinner for my boyfriend and I and we talked about the day and acknowledged that I was still frustrated from our tiff the night before. I didn't rehash it I just expressed that I was still miffed and it was ok...sort of. I think I may be reacting more healthily than he is. What? How is that possible? And then I come upstairs to settle into some facebook and twitter time only to find that one of my cousins...one that I used to be very close to before I outed my mother for the sadistic crazy that she is, friended me on Facebook. Her sisters, also my cousins lives have changed so much over the past three years. I feel very out of the loop. I never thought they would want anything to do with me, yet she is all over Facebook with pictures and such. My world kind of stopped as I laid eyes on the beautiful boy I used to provide 24 hour care over. He is my other cousins son and lived with me for the first 7 years of his life. For all intent and purpose he was my child. I had to leave him when my life became chaotic and it has left a hole in my heart. Just this past weekend I decided to take down his pictures in my room to try and relieve some of the guilt I have for leaving him. And now here he is, in my face. His beautiful brown eyes and funny little smile...right back in my life.

At that moment, my life here in Georgia suddenly seemed strange and foreign to me. Like I have so much I am hiding and so much that is not true. Here is this HUGE part of my life and past existing without me and I am not the same person. I feel shame and embarrassment and really just want it to all go away. Who am I? Who was I then? Where does it all fit? I know he still asks for me and I know he still wants a relationship with me...but I am not the person I was. I don't have room for his life in mine because Jesus, it hurts too bad to know what I am missing and what I will miss. How will I ever answer his questions? How can I look him in the eyes ever again? And seriously, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing ANY of this?

I feel the black hole creeping up on me. It reminds me of the lies and secrets. It reminds me of who I was and how just living in Georgia does not erase the wake I have left. The lives that were ruined and shattered. I can't hide forever....

Big Bad Parts.

Some days I just feeling like writing and writing until the skin below my fingernails begs for me to stop. Today is one of those days. I cherish these times because things just seem to ebb and flow without any real work and I am satisfied that my feelings and thoughts make sense and are congruent and not so strange and unruly.

For being a blog that deals with DID I surely don't spend a lot of time talking about my own internal experience and I find that it's difficult to explain the way things work in my head. I often don't understand how layered it can be and I wouldn't expect my readers to understand either. As of late though, there has been a ton of changes that I feel are very important and offer some sort of hope for those struggling with wrangling their DID. I think I am coming to a point in which I never though imaginable and that I would never get to a place where a real shift could occur. In the past most work done with other self states was to simply get them off the self destructive path and give them a new protective job. This seemed endless and tiring and practically bores me to no end because geesh, can't we move on to the other stuff that will make me more whole???? Yeah yeah, it's all part of the process but I have been wanting more and at the same time resisting it like it were the plague. I guess over the past several months Therapist has made it her personal mission to convince me that MORE of me has to be in therapy or we are not budging and everything will stay the same.

She guilted me into this which was absolutely necessary to start the dialogue I needed to have in myself. I eventually allowed a couple parts here and there to be in therapy and most of it worked out. Therapist eventually ended up tripping over some of the big wigs and is now developing these strange and meaningful relationships with them. I swear that Therapist is like some damn DID Whisperer where she can take the most unruly and nasty ass meanies and turn them into children vying for her attention and approval. I mean I guess they all want to be loved and appreciated but it still amazes me how each part she has worked with she tolerates and adjusts to their affect and needs so quickly. She has good intuition.

So anyway, Therapist had stumbled upon this part of me that is very enmeshed with my mother. She even goes by my mothers name. To make this easier the name is Kathryn. She has been a really big part in keeping all of us connected to my mother and really doesn't see herself as capable of making choices on her own. She uses violence to get her point across and she doesn't spend much time listening to anyone or anything other than what my mother has told her. I think she sees herself as unable to be hurt by my mother because she plays a long, like she is somehow equal to my mother and as long as she plays the game she will not have to feel the repercussions. Instead, Kathryn offers up other parts to deal with the physical, emotional and sexual abuse my mother still deals out. In Kathryn's mind none of these things are happening to her, they are happening to these other people. In the past, I have not wanted to deal with Kathryn at all, she terrifies me and her violence seems wild but Therapist has been able to tame her a bit...at least in sessions. This is causing curiosity in Kathryn especially, her eyes are opening to some other possibilities and she is testing the waters. Currently it's smooth going but I fear that Kathryn will need to test some boundaries and limits to make sure Therapist is not part of this game. I felt some of that today when Kathryn was dead set on wanting to strangle herself with a cord in Therapist's office because she felt that my mother would want her to. Kathryn verbalized this want for a period of time which I think her intention was to cause some sort of reaction from Therapist, but instead Therapist spoke to her in a way that regressed Kathryn and the power was in Therapist's hands. Kathryn was not given the opportunity to flex her power and control. So this will eventually rear it's ugly head I am sure...but it's progress I think.

How powerful to know that one part that is keeping ALL of us stuck in this sadistic relationship with our mother is now a willing participant in therapy. There is movement and as much as it hurts and it's terribly uncomfortable it is happening and I may have some progress in this relentless fight. I wonder if this part can bond with Therapist? I wonder if she is really as tough as she plays? I wonder if she is really just a child trying to be a grown up? Who knows...but I think it's going to suck the same way cleaning out an infected wound sucks...but it's all for the greater good.