Frustration.

I know this is pretty much a cliche, but just when I think I have it figured out something changes. I really believed that I had the whole DID thing figured out and I was a pro at managing it but today I learned differently. I am fairly decent at mediating between parts and pretty good at figuring out strategies to handle internal chaos however, I learned that once you tap into the really deep stuff it seems a whole new game plan needs to be developed. I am definitely a bit out of my league and I wish I had some experience with this level of coping...but I don't. Feeling like a beginner is not something that is comfortable for me, I doubt it is for anyone. I am frustrated that I don't have the right answers, or the healthy answers, or that I simply cannot will this chaos away. I am embarrassed in front of Therapist each time she works with the part we are currently dealing with and I strongly dislike not being able to communicate what is wrong.

Therapist has tapped into something even deeper than we both could have imagined and it's left me feeling so out of whack. Normally when a part is out and I come forward, afterwards it's an easy bounce-back and I pick up where I left off. This crap is different. It's as though I just get myself back together and then we dive back in. It feels sort of like a rip tide. (Therapist just called to check in)

So the gameplan is that Therapist is going to take a walk and think things over. She said she had a crazy day and needs some chill time to come up with some ideas for me to work on between sessions. She said that this is new territory for her as well and I don't need to feel frustrated by not knowing what to do right now, I need to recognize that this part is a core part that has never been in therapy before...some things aren't going to work like they used to. So I am going to try to be ok with that for tonight.

Poor Coping and Choices

It's been awhile since I've posted, a lot is going on and it seems my brain is either going too fast to comprehend or much slower and distracted than I can handle. I have reached a point in which negative coping mechanisms are not an option or they don't really work, nor do all the healthy ones my treatment providers have taught or suggested to me. So I sit here often like a deer in headlights wishing I had some sort of relief.

Therapy has been a pain in my ass lately. I doubt I can explain what is going on but I will try to give the more brief version. Therapist has been working with an introject (a part that mimics ones abuser/s and acts out a lot of what was done to an abused person) for about a month now. This part has regressed and it's complicated. I know I have written about her but even still I don't know how to explain her. I don't think Therapist could either because this part so rapidly changes back and forth between sounding like a child to a raging teenager and at moments totally calm. Therapist has a hypothesis that this part does this because that is what was necessary to survive with my mother. Makes sense, but doesn't make it any easier. This part disclosed a couple of weeks ago that my mother was making a trip down here, mostly because something happened in my mother's past this time of year and she blames me for making her remember when I was younger. She re-enacts this trauma with me every year as punishment. She is one sick lady, trust me, I know. She is due in town later this week. Therapist has decided that either I have a solid plan that involves another person staying with me to make sure she doesn't hurt me or to be hospitalized.

I have a few problems with both plans, hospitalization I think is self-explanatory. Having someone stay with me brings up a lot of feelings of guilt and neediness. So I am pretty stuck as to what to do and I need to have it figured out by tomorrow afternoon. If I have someone stay with me I am completely inconveniencing them and admitting that I need something. The need is the bigger problem because with a need comes guilt and regret. Sometimes I think I should go inpatient because at least it would be me accepting the consequences of not being able to stand up to my mother and no one else would suffer. Then I think of how my job would be at risk and how much regret financially I'd have. It's so f' ed up. I need to figure it out though.

As for my coping skills not working, hmmph. So frustrating. In the past I'd do all kinds of things to try and make this anxiety and craziness go away but several things are now out of the question. For instance, I cannot self harm because I am in a romantic and physical relationship in which I could not hide cuts or burns. I live with my partner and drinking is out of the question. He is not into it. I cannot just dissociate for the said reason and also because my job is so nuts right now I have to be on top of everything. That leaves my eating disorder. This is also complicated because cooking has become my new hobby and my partner expects it at this point. I LOVE to cook and it relaxes me, but now the food fears are raging so I get caught up in it. I had abstained from my ED for awhile because I have been so sick for well over a month. I decided I HAD to keep from the behaviors so my body could heal, the only problem with being sick, eating and being on steroids is that no matter what your body retains. I haven't been very active and the steroids have made me swell...so I am feeling enormous and I know I have gained quite a bit of weight. I tried to be ok with that but honestly, the past two days have been an ED nightmare and I admit I am welcoming it. The anxiety I have is enough to make me lose my appetite anyway. I also figured since my boss is not taking me seriously about needing some things to change about my schedule I can show him that I do have a problem, because looking at me right now you'd tell me it was fine to lose some weight.

In other therapy related news I had a strange moment last session. Therapist had just brought me back after she was speaking to the introject part and I was all kinds of messed up from that. She was telling me what the other part was talking about which included the part disclosing how she shut down and freaked out when she saw my mothers hands in the flesh. She asked me if that resonated with me and for the first time I felt extremely connected to that moment in which my mother is in front of me. I felt the actual fear and my body began to shake and I had true panic running through me. I knew what that felt like instead of remembering it in the third person. I did NOT like it at all. I assume that this is probably a good thing and means I am becoming less dissociative but seriously, I don't like it.

I was also proud of last session how a part of me stood up to Therapist. Sometimes I think she forgets about how I respond to certain topics or how I interpret things. Basically Therapist was telling this part that she is an adult now and has choices about what happens to her (in relation to my mothers impending visit) and she said "You are an adult, this is your choice" and this part of me interpreted it as "You are doing nothing to prevent it so you must want it" and that part made it very clear why she doesn't have a lot of choices. In trying to get this part to understand the amount of power she has, Therapist thought it a good idea to say "You're and adult, you are 5'3'' and taller than me" which is never ok to compare anything body related to any part of me. That part shot back "Let's NOT compare body sizes" to which Therapist backed the hell off and apologized. Even though the session totally sucked, it was good to know improvements have been made.

I need to go to work, off the clock, to get things done. Toodles.

Plan of Attack

Just spent about 20 minutes on the phone with Therapist. She seems a little dazed by all of this still and her suggestion is interesting. Most of my system is being very resistant to safe place imagery and they are freaking out when it's suggested. So Therapist suggested creating an auditorium where everyone can come in and sit. No imagery, no hypnosis, no containment...just sitting and quiet. She said I could attempt to do some deep breathing exercises but that may be pushing it. She also suggested creating this internal auditorium to mimic the lighting and decor of her office since most parts feel safe there. She said it should be similar to the way that preschools have naptime. No one is actually sleeping and it's more for the benefit of the teacher than the kids :-) So that is the plan.

As for tomorrow, I was asking her what we were going to do with the part that caused the hands on freak out. She suggested finding an internal middle man that can speak for Kathryn so that she isn't fully out and about. This is something I had already contemplated and asked my normal go to parts if they could do, they all declined stating they were not willing to go into a flashback from passive influence just for Kathryn to be in therapy. So Therapist said as a last resort she will have a waiver typed up for me basically saying that she will be allowed to go hands on with me should she need to and that I am taking the risk of her accidentally harming me in the event that she is hands on. She said she'd include a statement about her trying everything else not to get to that point prior to hands on. I agreed I would sign it...but I must say that I worry less about her harming me in a moment like that and more about me harming her. She is strong, but she is a lot smaller than me. I dunno...I hope and pray it never gets to that point again.

So I am off to try the auditorium idea....

Being v. Planning

I wrote a post a couple of days ago about living in the past or being overly future oriented that it seems impossible to be grounded in the here and now and what an understatement that is turning out to be. I admit that I am torn between trying to just be ok in the space that I am currently in versus trying to plan the hell out of it and beat myself silly with symptom management plans and techniques. Part of my brain tells me that I need to be on top of everything, manging my system internally with perfection, spending more time working with parts and trying to meet all their needs to prevent a blow out. The other part of my brain keeps telling me that doing that will only spawn new chaos and it'll all fall apart, that I need to just settle with the space that I am in no matter how chaotic it is because it's a part of the process and nothing bad is actually happening, it just feels bad. And now, the in between part of my brain is asking me to find a balance. Therapy must be working because it's rare that I would even consider there being a middle ground. I know it exists but I am not sure how to do that, what does that look like?

In the past when my internal world would feel as though it was collapsing I'd literally create a Power Point presentation on how I was going to manage things. I would go as detailed as what symptom management technique to use with each part and then put it on a schedule. There would be internal assignments, teams of parts working with other parts...all one big operation to make sure the crash didn't happen. The crash would inevitably still occur and Therapist would tell me that I didn't need such big plans and that I would be too caught up in the rigidity of the plan that I would miss the purpose. Slowly I have gotten away from all of that planning and trusted my instincts more. This made Therapist proud and she has encouraged this; surprisingly she was right and this way of negotiating my world has been successful. However now I am in a place where I don't know which side is up and which side is down. My instincts tell me I need a big plan, something has to happen to keep myself intact but I wouldn't even know where to start. It all seems too big and crazy.

I have parts that are in flashback and acting it out like crazy, I have parts that are extremely suicidal, some are just crying and in constant panic and others screaming for the criers to shut up. It's pretty much a big mess, all the while I am trying to go to work and be in relationships. Last night I called a friend to chat as we do every night and I zoned out and couldn't stay focused to save my life. I eventually just gave up and 'went to bed' which looked more like me just staring at the wall for several hours. It seems with my DID that there are two levels of chaos. The first level is when internally it's pretty chaotic and I freak out about it but if I really try I can get it back in order I just choose not to until I am forced. The second level is when it's chaotic inside and I freak out about it, try to fix it but can't and the uncontrollable symptoms start. That is the space I am in. I have a difficult time in this space determining how bad things are and needing a lot of help telling me what to do. I really did give a noble try at it this go around, after my session on Monday I relied a lot on support from wonderful people like bestie Bravehearts and my best friend to help me through it and I have really sat down with most chaotic parts offering solutions and symptom management because I didn't want to have to talk to Therapist on the phone since we have been having check-ins rather frequently lately...but I am at the point of pulling my hair out.

I declared an SOS via e-mail last night to Therapist and she'll be calling in a few minutes. The last thing I need is for her to be stressed by this and decide that I need a "higher level of care" and you know what that means. Hello Hospital. As much as I would appreciate just giving in to that at the moment, I would honestly jeopardize my job and my relationship. I need to find the internal resources to manage this and I need to do it quickly. Yes, I know there is a time and a place to call it quits..but I don't feel I am at that point as long as I have the current support and as long as Therapist is willing to put up with my neediness. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Space?

Where to even start...the past day or so has been really difficult. Therapist has been working with the one particular part that is introject of my mother and yesterday it took an unexpected dive. They were talking about having other parts help Kathryn (the introject) not feel to feel so alone. Therapist was then explaining how to do imagery to help comfort Kathryn. I am not sure what the trigger was but that part of me spiraled into a flashback so catastrophic that Therapist had to go hands on because Kathryn was scratching my throat and arms breaking the skin. The hold lasted several minutes and terrified poor Therapist. I think she was less freaked out by the flashback and more freaked out that she had to touch me which in her eyes is a big no-no. We were unable to determine what happened with Kathryn, but we both know that it cannot happen again. Therapist had asked Kathryn to e-mail her prior to the flashback about a particular word she tends to repeat when she is distressed. Therapist took the assignment back after the little scene but for whatever reason Kathryn still e-mailed this morning. This is what she wrote:

"space. dont know what it is. its just over and over and over in my head. it comes right before the shock and the burning and the really bad pains. more space and then water on me on my arms and it hurts really bad. then they are wrapped up and stuck to the chair. and I cant move and they need to get off. more space and more space. and then its around my neck and it needs to get off too but the arms are burning and its all hurting. just want it off. keep asking please please please off but more shocks and more space and more burning.

you put air on them. they stopped burning. you werent there but then you were there. i dont get it. how did you get there?"

I have NO clue what any of this means but I can feel the intensity. What troubles me more than anything is that on some level I am starting to really internalize how badly I was hurt as a child and how severe the trauma had to have been for this to be happening now. I think I always tell myself that it couldn't have been too terribly bad because I am a high functioning adult capable of working full time and having significant relationships. But now I wondering how deep all of it is really hidden and I question my ability to cope with the pain.

I don't know, I am confused and spacey...